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Kill the NPCs

Re: Kill the NPCs

Postby Phoenix0995 » Mon Apr 05, 2010 1:07 pm

Phoenix turns a dial on his little gun and uses it to vaporize all the cameras in sight. "I don't think you want that on the Internet."

Then he disappears again. The surrounding marines, after his previous performance, wonder what he's up to this time.

The answer, of course, is that Phoenix is getting some heavy support. When he reappears, there is a giant gun platform sitting there, with all manner of interesting weaponry: Cannons, machine guns, sniper rifles, rocket launchers, shield generators, Tesla coils, flamethrowers, even something that looks like a nuclear missile. Phoenix comes out the top of the platform with his gun, his beer, and a small remote. He flips a few switches, laughs maniacally, and presses a button. Everything on the platform -- except for the nuke -- starts indiscriminately killing marines, except for the ones that are watching Malyuta.
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Re: Kill the NPCs

Postby Malyuta Skuratov » Thu Apr 08, 2010 4:43 am

Malyuta had quite a few more tricks up his sleeves. He pulled from his pocket... a fuzzy keychain which he held aloft! The Marines saw the keychain and with curious anticipation wondered what was next. The man placed the keychain on the ground, then ran off. The Marines were overcome with fear, yet a deep fascination over the nature of this keychain... they began to inspect it and realized it couldn't possibly be a threat. That was until they heard the same terrifying sound as they did when Malyuta joined in the battle.

It was the sound of a second ultralite again piloted by the Marines' antagonist, spiraling downwards.

The entire area was transmorphed into a pillar of flame when the aircraft hit the ground.

It was the end of Malyuta...

... or was it?!

THE END...?

*DUN DUN DUN*
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Re: Kill the NPCs

Postby Phoenix0995 » Thu Apr 08, 2010 12:32 pm

Phoenix looks at the site of the crash. "Knowing him, he's probably still alive. 'Course, if he's not, then I might have to use my nuke."

He grins. "But that isn't likely to happen, so I'll have fun with this." The weaponry on the platform continues to fire, and a few more ports open up to reveal various types of energy weapons. Those, too, start firing. Phoenix takes a swig of beer and makes sure that he can get his battle mech out if he needs to.
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Re: Kill the NPCs

Postby Malyuta Skuratov » Thu Apr 08, 2010 6:22 pm

Nope. Sorry, Phoenix. Malyuta is dead. He just wanted to go out in one final blaze of glory. Bamawing said we couldn't kill each other, but she didn't say anything about killing *ourselves.*
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Re: Kill the NPCs

Postby Phoenix0995 » Thu Apr 08, 2010 11:21 pm

Hmmm... okay. He only said he might have to use his nuke. It's only a last resort kind of thing.

Phoenix uses the platform's scanners to see if there are any life signs in the wreckage, and the answer is... no. Phoenix frowns. "Huh. Would've expected him to have found a way to stay alive." He shrugs. "Oh well. Hmmm... looks like it's about..." He does a few quick mental calculations. "100,000 to 1 here." He grins. "Sounds like a fair fight." He suddenly drops beneath the surface of the platform and gets out the aforementioned battle mecha, which is armed with a sword, a gatling gun, a small Tesla coil, and a rocket launcher. It can also make things that it punches explode, but he likes using the sword more. He jumps off, causing a thud when he lands, and starts slicing through marines. And blowing them up. And pumping them full of lead. And cooking them to crisps with his Tesla coil. And wishing he'd gotten another swig of beer in before he'd started doing this.
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Re: Kill the NPCs

Postby Malyuta Skuratov » Thu Apr 08, 2010 11:47 pm

The Marines were victorious. The Russian menace had finally been defeated. They would no longer gaze upon his bearded face, and they would no longer fear this particular attacker.

The Marines rejoiced silently, then calling out cries of thanks to the Emperor. He had smiled upon them when Malyuta had exploded in a pillar of flame. The manbeast was dead, and he could haunt them no longer. The Adeptus Astartes had won this battle, but at what cost? How many of their brothers had fallen in the midst of this grim day? They would grow closer and forge bonds toward one another after this ordeal. The Marines were heading home.

Until...

Angels sang out
In immaculate chorus.
Down from the heavens
Descended Chuc-Malyuta Skuratov.

Who opened his mouth
To speak of their wrongs
Marines drew back in fear
As he broke into song.

His song first began soft and distant, as if being called from afar. All of a sudden... the Marines were listening to the words:

PREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPAAAAAAAAAARE YEEEEEEEEE THE WAAAAAAAY OF THE LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORD!
PREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPAAAAAAAAAARE YEEEEEEEEE THE WAAAAAAAY OF THE LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORD!
PREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPAAAAAAAAAARE YEEEEEEEEE THE WAAAAAAAY OF THE LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORD!

The Marines were baffled, by the repeating chorus... yet strangely drawn to it...

*KKKKKKKKKRRRRRRRRRRRRRRKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK*

A fountain had emerged in the center of the former battlefield.

The chorus continued, and the Marines felt compelled to expel all of their armor and join Malyuta in song and dance. They danced in the water fountain as Malyuta baptised them, and the lines continued:

PREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPAAAAAAAAAARE YEEEEEEEEE THE WAAAAAAAY OF THE LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORD!

They would live in harmony on that planet worshiping their lord and savior: Malyuta Skuratov, who made them die for their sins. After a few more hours of singing and dancing in the fountain, the Astartes were off to spread their message of peace to the rest of the galaxy, and spread the message of their new lord. It was here that Malyuta had single-handely created the Skuratov's witnesses. May they serve him even after death.

(NOTE: For those confused, watch this video. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9viyJB8a7GQ)
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Re: Kill the NPCs

Postby Phoenix0995 » Fri Apr 09, 2010 2:17 am

I'm fairly sure I know what that video is before I look at it, but just to be sure...

Oh. I'm wrong. I thought it was going to be this.

Anyway, Phoenix was slightly disappointed, but he knew that there were other planets that he could destroy things on. And hey, he was a minor deity on a few planets... mostly for burning up after dying and then coming back. Granted, he hadn't ever created an entire religion dedicated to him and the spreading of his word, but he didn't mind that. He just liked doing what he did: killing what needed to be killed. Preferably in ways that would end with mass graves.

The weapons platform and battle mech disappeared, leaving only Phoenix, the clothes on his back, and the almost-empty bottle of beer. He finished it off, then tossed the empty bottle in the other-dimensional trash dump that a lot of people used. He looked tired. And he was. He sat down on the ground and lay back, to look up at the night sky. There sure were a lot of stars in that sky, but he didn't really notice them before he dropped off.

8 hours later

Phoenix was on the planet of Kieris, with his hammer in his hand and the wind at his back. Kieris was home to a race of xenophobic anthrofelines. And he didn't need any more reason than the xenophobia to kill them.

A few of the inhabitants came out to detain him. He didn't acknowledge them until they told him to surrender in the name of the people of Kieris, at which point their lives came to a sudden and rather bloody end by the head of his hammer. He grinned and took out another bottle of beer, just like the one from the last battle, and shouted into the night, "BRING IT ON, KIERIS!! YOU CAN'T KILL ME!!!

The Kieri came out by the thousands. Let them come, Phoenix thought. I shall end them all.
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Re: Kill the NPCs

Postby Malyuta Skuratov » Sat Apr 10, 2010 9:41 pm

Just then, a rather ragged man wearing a shirt emblazoned with the symbol for "peace," sporting dreadlocks, sandals, and a truly horrible odor that one would surmise is a mixture of patchouli, ganja, and body soil bursts from the wild in front of Phoenix and yells, "STOP! CAN'T YOU SEE THAT THESE CREATURES ARE PEOPLE TOO?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?! THEY HAVE MINDS, FEELINGS, AND SOULS! THEY WOULD NEVER EVER HURT YOU IF THEY HAD THE CHANCE, SO WHY ARE YOU DOING SO TO THEM?! WE ALL JUST NEED TO GET TOGETHER, REALIZE THE MEANING OF HAR-" It was then a Kieri had bounded from a tree branch and viciously mutilated the poor fellow. The Kieri then began to gnaw on the freshly made corpse.

Just then, "Hippies..." a voice called out, "ironically, this man was a vegetarian."

It was none other than Malyuta Skuratov!

"Phoenix! My main (wo)man(?)!" Malyuta yelled. "You really think I would just sit back and let you kill an entire planet full of furries by yourself?"

Malyuta began to raise his fist in effort to perhaps ascertain a fistpound in brotherly fashion.
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Re: Kill the NPCs

Postby Phoenix0995 » Tue Apr 13, 2010 9:24 pm

Phoenix responded to the fistpound from Malyuta and said, "Good to see you too, man. I was kind of wondering if you'd be here, since you managed to become the god of a new religion, but I'm glad you are. Fun stuff happens when we're in the same place, like the creations of religions and mass graves." He glanced over at the corpse of the hippie that a random Kieri was eating. "He should have known better than to have come to this planet without some form of protection, such as body armor. But hey, I don't mind him dying. He was incorrect and unhelpful."

Phoenix turned back to the oncoming hordes of Kieri. "Some of these guys have pretty powerful guns. Of course, that's nothing either of us alone can't handle, let alone both of us. You wanna have fun with 'em the way you did at the last fight?" Phoenix waited for Malyuta to respond.
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Re: Kill the NPCs

Postby Malyuta Skuratov » Tue Apr 13, 2010 10:31 pm

"You bet your sweet ass," was Malyuta's awkward reply. "These idiots didn't hold a candle to human military in Avatar, and for Skuratov's sake, they had to pull a Deus ex Machina out of their asses to stand a fighting chance." The bearded Russian decided to protect his title as an Oprichnik. He pulled his black hood down over his face, revealing the eye-holes stitched into it. He had thrown off his jumpsuit and was wearing a flowing black robe (sure!) underneath. He had withdrawn a spear inexplicably placed on the ground. From under his robe, he had produced a longsword. No more Mr. Nic-... not-as-Nice Guy. Malyuta had transcended into the role of what some would call "a complete dick."

Malyuta had held the blade aloft in front of his face and was staring at the reflection in the blade.

"They had always said 'crime doesn't pay...' but they never mentioned anything about war crimes.

He had grown tired of introductions, and he was ready to kick ass. With a whirl of his arm, he charged and easily lopped the feasting Kieri's head off, ironically falling into the eviscerated, gaping belly of the ex-radical left winger.
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Re: Kill the NPCs

Postby Phoenix0995 » Tue Apr 13, 2010 11:04 pm

Phoenix smiled and said, "Fun begins now."

He leaped forward and abruptly ended a few more Kieri lives with his hammer before disappearing and popping out of nowhere twenty feet to the left. He destroyed a few more of the anthrofelines and was about to take another swig of beer when he noticed what looked like a prototype exoskeleton working its way toward him. He grinned, took the swig of beer, and jumped at it, eagerly anticipating what he could do to it.
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Re: Kill the NPCs

Postby Shamus » Fri Apr 23, 2010 10:02 pm

Shamus draws his hand-and-a-half sword and charges, sword held in a low Vom Tag position. That's it, no flashy toys or big honkin' guns. Shamus doesn't need to compensate for anything. :D

Of course, he is promptly blown away by whatever guns these "Kieri" have, but them is the rubs.
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Re: Kill the NPCs

Postby Phoenix0995 » Sun Apr 25, 2010 3:06 am

Phoenix looked at Shamus. "... okay, who the hell was that?"

He shrugged. "Whatever. I have something to destroy." He leaped for the exoskeleton and hit it sixteen times with his hammer before it fell apart, which was about fifteen times more than he was comfortable with. "Man, what the hell kind of metal is that? I'll have to take a look at it once the battle is done."

He went back to hitting normal Kieri with his hammer, resulting in plenty of nice, reassuring one-shot kills. It was good to know that he wasn't losing his touch.
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Re: Kill the NPCs

Postby Shamus » Sun Apr 25, 2010 7:14 am

Shamus suddenly realizes there is some place where he can kick some booty without cheating and using just the skills and weapons he has in RL. He respawns on Qo'ron... uhhh... The Klingon homeworld, and walks into the nearest bar. Appraises the patrons for a moment and then walks over to a Klingon off to the side and makes a couple of unkind references to some improbable interactions between his mother and a Ferengi. The Klingon responds as 9 out of 10 Klingons do in a fight and makes a clumsy overhand chop with a bat'leth. Shamus simply side-steps and sticks him with a dagger a few times.

Now having the complete attention of the bar, Shamus ignores the dying Klingon and hops up onto the bar, cheating a little by pulling a piece of cloth out of no and where to clean his dagger. He puts it away when done and pulls his hand-and-a-half again, then yells some more unkind things at the Klingons in general and challenges them all to fight.

Cue a utter slaughter, with Shamus's only concerns the odd Klingon who does something other than the afore-mentioned overhand chop, being pinned down by several at once, and that one pesky idiot who actually had enough brains to pull his disrupter when he saw things were going south. Wheee. :D
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Re: Kill the NPCs

Postby Phoenix0995 » Sun Apr 25, 2010 10:35 pm

Phoenix popped out in the bar. "For future reference, it's Qo'noS, pronounced Kronos."

He then went back to Kieris, where he decided he'd better get a sample of whatever metal it was in that exoskeleton before he forgot where it was. He did so, then continued with the catperson-bashing.
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