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Registration thread: version 2.0

Re: Registration thread: version 2.0

Postby Thalar » Sat Jun 25, 2011 11:19 am

Masked and Dangerous
Character: Anara'wata

  • Worldsetting accuracy - (6) - The accident with the slave's hair comes a little early at 7 years of age (3.5 years physically) - do keep this in mind for your next character
  • Mana arts - (4)
  • Abilities - (6)
  • Items - (7)
  • Total power level - (6)
  • Backstory cohesiveness - (5)
  • Plausibility - (6)
Conclusion: Conditionally Approved.

Confirm that you know you cannot create fire from nothing, you need some source, like a spark, to be able to use fire sorcery. After that you may begin play.

==

Zenzetra
Character: Uuera'unkara Nori'fu Sarghress

  • Worldsetting accuracy - (6)
  • Mana arts - (7)
  • Abilities - (6)
  • Items - (6)
  • Total power level - (7)
  • Backstory cohesiveness - (5)
  • Plausibility - (7)
Conclusion: Conditionally Approved.

'Seeing' auras is something you can be trained to do. Having that training is infinitely more plausible than a golem eye (highly complex, expensive and very clunky as it cannot be Jaal'darya work, it would hardly resemble a normal eye). Your mana -is- your life force.

Post to confirm that you're exchanging that golem eye for the normal technique of being able to detect auras and you may begin play. If you disagree with this assessment you must take the character back to the Newbie School thread for adjustments and resubmit for a new review.

Also please confirm that you intend your character to have 1 ada. If that was not your intent please state an amount between 7-30 ada that your character is carrying.

==

Improbable odds
Character: Lei'lana Sarghress

  • Worldsetting accuracy - (2) - You can't bite teeth marks into adamantium o_o And ada coins are, as far as we know, virtually impossible to counterfeit.
  • Mana arts - (6)
  • Abilities - (6)
  • Items - (6)
  • Total power level - (6)
  • Backstory cohesiveness - (6)
  • Plausibility - (6)
Conclusion: Conditionally Approved.

For your character's teeth's sake, please confirm that she does not try to bite ada coins. Doing so would not result in teethmarks on the coins, but broken teeth. Afterwards you may begin play.



==

Rayoson
Character: Aaron'Natill

You've got the outlines of an interesting character here, but it needs a bit of work to be able to fit in properly with this worldsetting. Draining mana is not a Mana art in and of itself, so it can't be in your Mana Arts field. The best I can give you there is a stunted aura like the Xuile'solen, which are drow-born thus making this not such a big leap from plausibility.

Wood is seriously expensive in this worldsetting, so he wouldn't have a wooden cudgel with a steel core, he'd have a steel cudgel. Same with the fruit knife, probably steel handle.

Moons Age relics are not things one simply carries around, although if you said 'decorative Moons Age relics' I might allow it. They could not have any function other than being decorative.

The mother's cult would be a nether cult, and much more likely than trying to split off someone's soul would be that they were researching a gate to a 'friendly' nether realm and accidentally hit upon one that was not 'friendly' at all, with the mother getting tainted and demons possessing the weaker untainted instantly. She cannot have become pregnant from this affair - if she were pregnant when the demons entered the world the child would probably have been possessed and consumed her from within.

Having two differently-colored eyes is the province of the Sullisin'rune, so I suggest you drop that entirely. Especially as red+blue is the signature of the Sullisin'rune Ilharess. I see what you want to do, but it's unfortunately not possible.

A child of 23 would not win a fair fight against an adult. Keep that in mind for the rewrite. I suggest you take your character to the Newbie School thread, with the comments I just gave you, and attempt a rewrite.

Refused.

==

As a general note: Please refrain from posting anything but characters or approval condition replies in this thread. Use the Newbie School thread for comments etc.

It's also a good idea to submit your character to the Newbie School thread first, in case others can help you with it before you place it in this thread for review.
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Re: Registration thread: version 2.0

Postby Improbable odds » Sun Jun 26, 2011 7:25 am

Posting to confirm the relative health of my character's teeth in relation to biting down on intensely hardened coins. Can't have her walking around with a set of broken choppers, eh?
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Re: Registration thread: version 2.0

Postby Masked And Dangerous » Sun Jun 26, 2011 3:26 pm

Posting to confirm that Anara CANNOT create fire on her own, and must have a source.
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Re: Registration thread: version 2.0

Postby Zenzetra » Sun Jun 26, 2011 10:06 pm

Thalar wrote:Masked and Dangerous
Zenzetra
Character: Uuera'unkara Nori'fu Sarghress

  • Worldsetting accuracy - (6)
  • Mana arts - (7)
  • Abilities - (6)
  • Items - (6)
  • Total power level - (7)
  • Backstory cohesiveness - (5)
  • Plausibility - (7)
Conclusion: Conditionally Approved.

'Seeing' auras is something you can be trained to do. Having that training is infinitely more plausible than a golem eye (highly complex, expensive and very clunky as it cannot be Jaal'darya work, it would hardly resemble a normal eye). Your mana -is- your life force.

Post to confirm that you're exchanging that golem eye for the normal technique of being able to detect auras and you may begin play. If you disagree with this assessment you must take the character back to the Newbie School thread for adjustments and resubmit for a new review.

Also please confirm that you intend your character to have 1 ada. If that was not your intent please state an amount between 7-30 ada that your character is carrying.


I accept these conditions. I shall exchange the Golem's eye for a simple, jeweled adornment with no special qualities and take the training for it's function instead. Also, I had intended to have one Ada as a repercussion to having purchased the Golem; since that is not the case I will settle on twenty-one Ada.
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Re: Registration thread: version 2.0

Postby Rayoson » Wed Jun 29, 2011 6:20 am

Name: Meriill’Altirr

Race: Drowolath

Age: 54

Equipment: Carries around 30-40 ada daily. Wields a steel Axe-Hammer, knifes in her boot, belt, and a retractable one in her left arm guard.
Light plate, and leather armor underneath as padding.
Traveling backpack with extra sets of clothing/armor, water skins one with water, and another with alcohol strong enough to knock a normal person out. Made from multiple fungi, several which may or may not be poisonous. Dried meat, bread, and fruit every now and then, are carried in the pack.
A small metal kit holding a small mirror, chopsticks, small scissors, needle and thread, alongside a mess kit.
A few low quality mana storing gems, in her clothing and armor.

Magic: Light control (second hand teachings from mother)

Beginning city: Chel'el'sussoloth

Clan: Clanless

Background: Born to an ex-member of the fallen legion, her mother had left after receiving a grievous injury requiring her to get a golem prosthetic for her leg. While Merrill does not know her father, the only comment from her mother that she managed to get from her was that he was the reason she lost her leg.

Quickly signing on to light trade caravan of the clan, she had some troubles managing being a guard and raising her daughter alone. Merrill was trained by her mother the second she could hold a weapon; she learned a few techniques from her concerning light and shadows. She grew to learn more and more from her, with aspirations of some day joining the Raiders, or even the Legion.

At 18, things changed for the worse. The caravan was attacked by a large group of Halmes bandits attacked the caravan. With overwhelming number the caravan was killed. Merrill’s mother managed to take down, but fell after she stumbled on her golem leg through over exertion of her mana. Merrill tried to run after her mother fell, using any of mana arts she could to evade capture. Sadly a dog attacked her. Quickly getting tackled by the dog, it bit at her right ear, tearing it badly.

She was taken prisoner, beaten, and practically dying. By the Halmes hand she was toured through the bandits travel, and forced to put on shows with her mana skills. Despite several attempts to escape, she was captured again and again. Often it was the leaders dog who would capture her again, a fierce mongrel who would always bite just deep enough to leave a wound scarred in pain, but just on the verge of lethal.

For two years she went through this routine before her first major incident. Often she would cry at night, scream, and basically cause trouble. The bandits tried many things to silence her, and it became worse when she learned their language roughly, cursing at them and insulting them in between times before she could muster strength to escape, or when she was to tired from a show to try something more devious.

Eventually the leader decided to go and finally “give” her something to shut up. Walking in to the cage, with his mongrel at heel, he dragged her up by her hair, and began to tell her of his little plan. He wagged his finger in front of her, tears in her eyes, she lashed out. To tired from a show, and unable to deal any real damage with her arms or scarred legs, she bit his hand. Removing his left hands index finger, he screamed and tossed her against the cage.

Grabbing her head, and breaking her jaw after she tried to resist. He took a pair of sharp scissors and did away with a part she couldn’t replace with a golem in a lifetime. The group and its leader merely laughed and howled at her pain and anguish. For a few days she was silent, and still forced to give out shows when they stopped at a Halmes settlement.

What were once curses and insults just became screams of anguish once she could manage to make sound again. The leader fed up with her, simply tossed in a skin filled cheap beer. The loss of her tongue was filled with alcohol, and so a sort of order was made. She kept putting on shows and acted “pleasant”; she’d get more to drink. If she acted out or tried to kill, she’d lose the drink, and get beaten.

Three years passed from then, and Merrill spent what time she could either drunk, training in her little cage with her skills or exercising as she could. The bandits had continued on as they could, with Merrill being a source of income when raiding was dry. Eventually they managed to make it to royalty so to speak. Stopping in a little far away kingdom, the group put on the best show they could. The leader giving a showman’s story that had been the set up for her show, a tale of heroism and daring that put the bandits in a good light and the fae in general as horrible.

The show went well and pleased the king and his people in general, so well he bought Merrill. So from one hand to another she was exchanged, trading in a horrible cage, for a horrible dungeon. She turned in to a showpiece for the king, and was treated only slightly worse then a prize horse. Then began the little gifts, at first it was a flower, then little things that could brighten a day. Left at the cell door, she soon grew determined to catch who ever were giving her so much.

She caught a glimpse of the one, and it was a young boy, the prince no less. Starting with timid actions, he grew bolder and bolder with his deeds. Until one day he started talking to her first from a safe distance out her reach, but he moved closer and closer as time went by. Merrill was a simple listener and giving the occasional sign of understanding or acknowledgment as he spoke. When the day came that he rested his back against the bars of her door, she reached out her hands ready to simply take his throat and choke the life out of him, but where would she be then?

5 years passed this way, with the prince learning from her and vice versa in litte ways. Merrill despite numerous plots and schemes to escape, all slowly began to fade from her thoughts as she grew to like him more and more. She had put more effort in to her mana powers, giving them more substance and power as the years passed. Her physical strength on the other hand was surprisingly healthy, as she spent time to exercise thanks to the little prince. Through his efforts she was given more freedoms, and little things to improve her life.

He was 17 by then, and his thoughts slowly began to turn to love for her. So one night, after many had gone to sleep, he took the keys to her gilded cage, and brought her to him for the night. In the morning Merrill woke first, lying next to the prince. Her hands circled his face as he slowly stirred, staring her in the eyes, and back at him. With a firm grasp and quick twist from her hands, a smiling silent face, turned to one of pure hatred.

Villagers and soldiers rallied to find her and kill her. Flooding in to the castle as soon the word spread. They began to search high and low for her. No one was left out from the castle search, children and families waited in the courtyard, while the armed searched. With everyone searching the castle high and low, and the king bellowing in fury at the discovery of his dead son.

Then fires began to wash over the place, Merrill left the place in a storm of fire. She spent the next six years hunting down the group that had caught her. She stole, and killed for what she needed on the surface, focusing on Halmes as she searched. Every last one of the people who held a hand in her capture and abuse she sought to kill. During her travels she took the time to broaden her horizon, seeing the ocean, and generally taking little bits of respite from her goals.

Eventually the deed was done, and she returned to the underworld, she lost all care towards clans and politics. Hiring herself as a mercenary for whomever could pay, quickly dealing death and pain as she went.

For 8 years she spent living fighting, drinking, and being apathetic to the world around her. It wasn’t until two years ago, that she started to care for something, slaves. Asides from having a burning hatred towards Halmes in general, she started to purchase and free slaves that she could get. Bringing them to either the surface if that was where they came from, or to Val’Raveran and setting them up with some money to start out. Always looking for work, and trying to stay away from heavy drinking on business.

Description: Stands at 5’10”, weighing at 147, eye are a dark brown, scars lace her body and she has a couple of small ones on her face. Due to staying above ground and being out of contact with a mana filled environment caused her body to be more gaunt and flatter in the chest region. A badly torn right ear and her hair are dyed black. Wears a leather cloak to cover her armor, and when she’s not wearing a helmet, she wears her hair short.

Time Zone/Activity: Pacific Time Zone, daily
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Re: Registration thread: version 2.0

Postby Thalar » Tue Jul 05, 2011 2:07 am

Rayoson
Character: Meriill'Altirr

  • Worldsetting accuracy - (5)
  • Mana arts - (5)
  • Abilities - (5)
  • Items - (6)
  • Total power level - (5)
  • Backstory cohesiveness - (5)
  • Plausibility - (6)
Conclusion: Conditionally Approved.

Being up on the surface alone for such a long time would cause Meriill'Altirr to suffer from mana deprivation, and it's good that you've acknowledged this with regards to her build. But mana deprivation also makes drow age, which means that your character should have some wrinkles as well after so many years outside of the mana pool. Also, there is no such thing as "may or not be poison" when it comes to items. Other characters may not know which one it is, but I must know.

Post to confirm Meriill'Altirr has a few wrinkles (the details of which are up to you) and that the alcohol is not any more poisonous than alcohol generally is. Then you may begin play. If you disagree with this assessment you have to take the character to the Newbie School thread for adjustments and resubmit for a new review.
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Re: Registration thread: version 2.0

Postby Rayoson » Tue Jul 05, 2011 2:46 am

I'll agree to all conditions listed.
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Re: Registration thread: version 2.0

Postby Enkhoffer » Thu Jul 14, 2011 11:12 pm

"My, no, I am no warrior, I wouldn't know about such things. Though, I do have something you ought to taste..."

Name: Kal’alek Illhar’dro

Race: Drowolath

Age: 68

Equipment:
- Comfortable silk clothing
- 30 ada
- Small bag of sugary “Fungus Nuggets”
- Silver spoon

Magic: Rudimentary understanding of earth sorcery

Beginning city: Chel’el’sussoloth

Clan: Illhar’dro

Background: Kal’alek was born into an easy lifestyle. His Illhardo parents were never very strict with him given their not inconsiderable wealth and liberal attitudes. At Orthorbbae, Kal learned the basics of earth sorcery, though he never developed a talent for it. His real skill proved to be cooking. Kal’alek has a very developed sense of taste and is able to bring out flavour in the fungi and mushrooms that make up the diets of most Chelians, and furthermore has a distinct speciality in making sweets and pastries of every sort. After leaving school he spent his life and gathered a small fortune cooking for the Vels and Vals of Chel, and eventually made enough to establish a somewhat popular restaurant and café called “Kal’s House of extraordinary Pastries and Desserts”, which he has been running the last four years. “Kal’s” serves all the different kinds of foods found in the Underworld, though it is the special desserts invented by Kal’alek which draw most of the patronage, and he is currently working on a cookbook containing recipes for exotic pastries from all around the globe. He spends quite a bit of money on slaves, most frequently chefs from the surface world, yet his biggest expense is importing the fruits and berries which make up a large part of his recipes. His most famous invention is the so-called “Plum-glazed Moss-soufflé”, a delicious custard made of red moss and ripe surface plums, after which he named himself “Pastry King of Chel’el’sussoloth”. Aside from working in his restaurant and on his book, Kal spends a large bit of time researching ways through earth and light magic to allow fruit trees to grow underground, which would revolutionize the pastry industry and cut his expenses in half.

Description: Kal’alek appears both jovial and reasonably wealthy, and both things are true. He dresses nicely, yet comfortably, in silk clothes favouring the colour green. His shoulder-long hair is dark brown with a number of green streaks, and he is always seen wearing a small cluster of earrings, two rings on his left hand and a necklace given to him by his mother.
He is of average height, and a lifetime of sweets has earned him a generous waistline which only adds to his jolly persona. He likes bright forest-colours and vine-patterns, and at least one of these is normally present in his attire.

Time Zone/Activity: UTC + 01:00 (Paris, Copenhagen, Madrid…)
Last edited by Enkhoffer on Tue Jul 19, 2011 2:09 am, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: Registration thread: version 2.0

Postby Earthsong » Sun Jul 17, 2011 8:28 am

Name:Dhaunzyne (Dhaun= infested/plague zyne=finder/hunter) Kyorl'solenurn

Race: Drowussu

Age:20 (drow years)

Equipment: Dhaunzyne typically carries around with her a full length long sword made of steel, a round shield made of wood with a steel center and steel edging, a steel dagger, a bow and around 24 arrows. also an amulet of no power whatsoever, rather 1 that has a small fire stone inside that gives off light and heat (explained more in the Background as to how she got it). she carries around 50 ada daily. she also carries 5 mana stones with her in a small leather pouch, and 3 sealing stones within a separate leather pouch.

Magic: she uses fire sorcery only and is adept at it, able to make intricate patterns within fire. and favors using large fireballs. she cannot however, create fire out of thin air and must have a source, and so will strike her sword against the steel edge of her shield to create a spark. she, as all wardens, also knows the way to seal a gate and demon seeds.

Beginning city: Chel'el'Sussoloth
Clan: Kyorl'solenurn



Background: Dhaunzyne was born within the Kyorl'solenurn fortress and has not set foot outside of Chel'el'Sussoloth since her birth. her birth was rather uneventful, being born from 2 drowussu parents. she was raised as any other Kyorl'solenurn was, raised as any child with no special treatment, and constantly being told the horrors that the tainted bring about outside of the fortress on a daily basis. because of this indoctrination, she will kill almost any tainted/demon she can find alone. her 1st encounter with a tainted however did not go as planned, as she was almost killed. the only reason that she was not killed is that the tainted she had attacked did not follow through with a killing blow, instead saying that he would not kill someone who is only doing what they believe is the right thing to do. he also tossed down an amulet into her hand, saying "when you think you understand us a little better, you will know what to do with this" she now wears this amulet every day and also vows to understand the viewpoint of the tainted, but will not hesitate to kill them. because of this, she respects the tainted to a degree. when she returned home after this, she knew that steel alone could not win a battle. she then began to learn the basics of fire sorcery, and found that she was quite good at it. to this day, she believes that she is still a novice in fire sorcery despite knowing quite a lot, and as such spends almost too much time practicing her sorcery. she values friendship highly, and although many do not believe it possible, she holds a tainted as one of her closest friends, this is because they met before the other got tainted, and rather than kill her, Dhaunzyne believes that she can learn quite a lot of the tainted from her friend, and maybe reverse the tainting process one day. she is trying to keep this quiet though, as she is a warden in training, and does not want to seem lax in her duty. she does have a blade, though he is not trained yet and as such he does go where she goes but does not take an active role in her decisions yet (if needed for any particular reason, his name is Masantar). she also does not distrust to drowolath, as she had one as a friend before they got sent to the Orthorbbae. because of this, she is easy going with any drowussu or drowolath (apart from tainted of course).


Description: Dhaunzyne is usually seen in full white armor while outside the Kyorl'solenurn fortress as well as a banner of the clan symbol between the leggings. while inside however, she favors a simple golden silk dress, that goes all the way to her ankles. she walks around barefoot inside the fortress. she has the amulet hanging around her neck at all times however, and as such her head is given a red tinge from it. her hair is a golden yellow, usually tied back in a knot. she is of an taller-than-usual height, though not by much, and is quite skinny. she is also known to love the colour of purple. she also has golden-brown eyes. as with all drowussu, she cannot see well in the dark and prefers areas bathed in light.

Time Zone/Activity:UTC +10:00 (Australian eastern standard time) (NSW,QLD)
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Re: Registration thread: version 2.0

Postby Thalar » Sun Jul 24, 2011 10:43 am

Enkhoffer
Character: Kal'alek Illhar'dro

  • Worldsetting accuracy - (5)
  • Mana arts - (6)
  • Abilities - (6)
  • Items - (7)
  • Total power level - (7)
  • Backstory cohesiveness - (6)
  • Plausibility - (7)

Conclusion: Conditionally Approved.
It is apparently very difficult for drow to store fat, meaning that overweight drow are extremely rare. At best your character would be a bit pudgy around the waist and this would already be quite unusual for drow.

Post to confirm that Kal'alek isn't hugely fat (by human standards) but has a few extra pounds/kilos of weight from what you normally see on drow, thus making him overweight by drow standards. Then you may begin play. If you disagree with the assessment you'll have to take the character to the Newbie School thread for a rewrite, before submitting him for a new review.


==


Earthsong
Character: Dhaunzyne Kyorl'solenurn

  • Worldsetting accuracy - (4)
  • Mana arts - (4)
  • Abilities - (5)
  • Items - (5)
  • Total power level - (4)
  • Backstory cohesiveness - (4)
  • Plausibility - (3)

Conclusion: Refused.

Please wait for a review from one of the review assistants, take your character to the Newbie School for assistance for the rewrite before submitting her to this thread for a new review :)
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Re: Registration thread: version 2.0

Postby Alric » Sun Jul 24, 2011 2:37 pm

Review; Dhaunzyne:

First off, the idea of a Kyorl Warden having a tainted friend is so far-fetched as to be ludicrous. The Kyorl'solenurn clan, as you know, consider tainted and nether summoners to be the root of all evil in the Drowtales world. Remember, the Kyorls are trained to kill friends and family should they be tainted; they view such killings as for the victim's own good (you even note this in the beginning of your character background). The idea of a tainted giving a warden a memento as to remind her to see things from their view sounds interesting, but in practice I doubt such a thing would happen; most likely the warden would destroy or throw away such an item. Does the amulet have the heatstone in it? You could change it so that it was either a trophy from a battle or given to her by whoever trained her in her sorcery.

Secondly, her age. Drow age at about half that of humans, so her age would be around 40. Also, at this young age and training level it'd be unlikely that she'd be able to be much more than a novice in her sorcery.

Finally, the presence of a wooden shield in her inventory is a bit odd. Obviously, wood is hard to come by in the underworld and drow tend to rely on their own mana shields rather than lug around a heavy shield all day. 50 ada also seems like a bit much to carry around on ones person as an everyday occurrence.
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Re: Registration thread: version 2.0

Postby Enkhoffer » Mon Jul 25, 2011 1:13 am

Thalar wrote:Enkhoffer
Character: Kal'alek Illhar'dro

Conclusion: Conditionally Approved.
It is apparently very difficult for drow to store fat, meaning that overweight drow are extremely rare. At best your character would be a bit pudgy around the waist and this would already be quite unusual for drow.

Post to confirm that Kal'alek isn't hugely fat (by human standards) but has a few extra pounds/kilos of weight from what you normally see on drow, thus making him overweight by drow standards. Then you may begin play. If you disagree with the assessment you'll have to take the character to the Newbie School thread for a rewrite, before submitting him for a new review.


That is completely agreeable. It is a fact it seems I was not familiar with in drow anatomy.
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Re: Registration thread: version 2.0

Postby Enkhoffer » Mon Jul 25, 2011 1:14 am

"My, no, I am no warrior, I wouldn't know about such things. Though, I do have something you ought to taste..."

Name: Kal’alek Illhar’dro

Race: Drowolath

Age: 68

Equipment:
- Comfortable silk clothing
- 30 ada
- Small bag of sugary “Fungus Nuggets”
- Silver spoon

Magic: Rudimentary understanding of earth sorcery

Beginning city: Chel’el’sussoloth

Clan: Illhar’dro

Background: Kal’alek was born into an easy lifestyle. His Illhardo parents were never very strict with him given their not inconsiderable wealth and liberal attitudes. At Orthorbbae, Kal learned the basics of earth sorcery, though he never developed a talent for it. His real skill proved to be cooking. Kal’alek has a very developed sense of taste and is able to bring out flavour in the fungi and mushrooms that make up the diets of most Chelians, and furthermore has a distinct speciality in making sweets and pastries of every sort. After leaving school he spent his life and gathered a small fortune cooking for the Vels and Vals of Chel, and eventually made enough to establish a somewhat popular restaurant and café called “Kal’s House of extraordinary Pastries and Desserts”, which he has been running the last four years. “Kal’s” serves all the different kinds of foods found in the Underworld, though it is the special desserts invented by Kal’alek which draw most of the patronage, and he is currently working on a cookbook containing recipes for exotic pastries from all around the globe. He spends quite a bit of money on slaves, most frequently chefs from the surface world, yet his biggest expense is importing the fruits and berries which make up a large part of his recipes. His most famous invention is the so-called “Plum-glazed Moss-soufflé”, a delicious custard made of red moss and ripe surface plums, after which he named himself “Pastry King of Chel’el’sussoloth”. Aside from working in his restaurant and on his book, Kal spends a large bit of time researching ways through earth and light magic to allow fruit trees to grow underground, which would revolutionize the pastry industry and cut his expenses in half.

Description: Kal’alek appears both jovial and reasonably wealthy, and both things are true. He dresses nicely, yet comfortably, in silk clothes favouring the colour green. His shoulder-long hair is dark brown with a number of green streaks, and he is always seen wearing a small cluster of earrings, two rings on his left hand and a necklace given to him by his mother.
He is of average height, and a lifetime of sweets has earned him a few extra pounds from what you normally see on a Drow. He likes bright forest-colours and vine-patterns, at least one of which is normally present in his attire.
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Clan: Vloz'ress

Re: Registration thread: version 2.0

Postby lancelot64 » Sun Aug 14, 2011 12:12 am

Name: Ashi'kar 'Ashen' Du'tan'vir (Unknown to world at large, NON-VAL)

Race: Drowolath

Starting Area: Chel'el'sussoloth

Age: 129

Equipment:
-Steel Shortsword sheathed across his lower back, handle projecting above his right wrist when hands are held at sides
-Steel Dagger sheathed across his back above the shortsword, handle projecting middle of left forearm
-Reinforced Plate Left Bracer and Gauntlet used for deflecting attacks from smaller weapons with a spring loaded punching dagger the length of his pointer finger (3 inches)
-Leather Armor (Dragon Hide) covering shoulders and chest. Small sections of chainmail at shoulder and knee joints to protect from maiming attacks.
Leather boots, worn and dirty from much travel
-A Silver ring given to him on his 'birth day' by a childhood friend (no innate magic properties) significant psychological value
-Chainmail belt with various pouches for containing many different items, from toys and trinkets to Ada. Holds small flasks of water for use with his Sorcery. approximately 20 mL each
-25-30 Ada on hand

-Casual Clothing is light woven dark blue tunic and green trousers with same leather boots as wargear. Not often seen in Casual Clothing due to old habits from his past.

Magic: Moderate Affinity for Water Sorcery, can use pure water for healing but is drained significantly. Basic Knowledge of Medical Practices.

Moderate knowledge of Smithing and Leatherworking. Crafted his own arms and armor in his 7th decade.


Background:
Ashi'kar is the unacknowledged son of a Du'tan'vir captain(father) and a Sharen Steward(mother). His mother died 3 days after his birth, he was never told the identity of his father, though no one knows his father's identity, his mother carried the secret to her grave. Raised by a commoner nursemaid, he was never given the status his lineage should have awarded him, including not being enrolled in Orthorbbae. At the age of 17 his adoptive mother was slain in a robbery, and he fled the house never to return.

He was adopted by a band of street urchins serving the interests of a small time gangster, Ant'aran Val'Kastern, a self proclaimed Val attempting to create a Clan of his own and becoming a Val. His group of urchins were used in petty thefts across Chel'el'sussoloth. As well as various higher end crimes, murder, extortion and the like. This is where Ash'ikar learned the fighting skills that would serve him throughout his life. While not exactly honorable, he hated to fight to bully those weaker then him. He also learned to read at the knee of Ant'aran, studying history and philosophy, anything to sate his hungry mind.

When he turned 56 his lover at the time, Kara'shen Kastern, gifted him with a silver ring for his birthing day. That night, Ant'aran slew her in a drunken rage when she refused to sleep with him. Ash'ikar took a table knife to him and then had to flee the revenge of the Kastern thugs.

He apprenticed to a commoner blacksmith after that, learned the skill and managed to save his money to buy his way into the graces of a scholar that taught him to control his innate Water Sorcery.

At the age of 75 he was able to salvage the hide of a dragon that had been killed in a skirmish between Sharen and Sarghress, and craft a suit of leather armor for himself. He used the profits he made from the sale of the rest of the hide to fashion himself his Steel Weapons.

Since then he has hired himself out to mercenary bands and traders as a hired sword. He holds no great affection for any of the great clans though he does hold a respect for the Sarghress' battle prowess. He holds himself aloof of the current hostilities of the clans, and hates the anguish that is caused by the continued skirmishing.

Appearance:
Height: 6'2"
Weight: 192 lbs.
Eyes: Deep Sea Blue
Hair: Black, Short
General Description: An unassuming male, Ash'ikar has led a rough life evidenced by the scars that show on his body. Extremely difficult to approach, he is a domineering personality and hates to be idle for too long a time. If left to his own devices, he works in the nearest smithing shop as a way to focus his mind. The years of smithing have given him a rather muscular build, but havent diminished his keen intelligence.

EDIT: I see one glaring flaw in his background myself. He is known by his father's clan name. I wouldnt have a problem changing his parentage to a Du'tan'vir steward or minor noble, that is assuming that that clan isnt completely forbidden. If not then being given Sharen as his clan name would be my own suggestion if his parentage can be kept the same.
lancelot64
Nether Seed
 
Posts: 17
Joined: Sat Aug 13, 2011 5:31 pm
Clan: Vloz'ress

Re: Registration thread: version 2.0

Postby Thalar » Tue Aug 16, 2011 2:01 pm

lancelot64
Character: Ashi'kar 'Ashen' Dutan'vir

  • Worldsetting accuracy - (0)
  • Mana arts - (1)
  • Abilities - (6)
  • Items - (2)
  • Total power level - (6)
  • Backstory cohesiveness - (5)
  • Plausibility - (0)
Conclusion: Refused.

There's one really big problem here. You give him the name Dutan'vir, but if he has a Sharen mother, he is a Sharen. There's no question about it. And the background only works if he's a Dutan'vir, and even then would make much more sense if he was born a decade or two before the Nidraa'chal war, not 129 years ago. A child is always of the mother's bloodline, never of the father's bloodline. This is an enormously common mistake, unfortunately. Also, children are valued. Whether he was born a Dutan'vir or a Sharen, you can bet no one would allow him to fall out like this. The only exception would be if he was young when the Nidraa'chal war happened and the Dutan'vir were destroyed and escaped the clan fortress before the Kyorl or the slaves could get their hands on him. He'd also be either a drowussu or a drowussu-drowolath halfbreed, as a Dutan'vir.

Unfortunately this is not the only problem. Rings do not have magical properties in this worldsetting, so mentioning that the ring has none is unnecessary. Water sorcery does not give any healing powers. From these two issues alone, I get the feeling you haven't read up as much on the worldsetting as either of us would like. Taken together with the bloodline issue, it seems clear that you need to do a bit more reading.

Dragons are too valuable, not to mention the bond between dragon and rider is personal. It's unlikely that your character would find a dead dragon lying about after a skirmish, ready for the taking. Dragon hide is also not a class of armor, just in case that was a misconception as well. Leather is quite uncommon in the underworld, people use spidersilk or chain-reinforced spidersilk instead. Spidersilk is much cheaper, and especially the reinforced version is common to use for armor.

Please take the character to the Newbie School thread where you can ask for assistance in making him approvable :)
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Thalar
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