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Kill the NPCs

Kill the NPCs

Postby Bamawing » Fri Mar 26, 2010 1:40 pm

Had a bad day? Come in a kill a few NPCs. Just don't kill each other.

Bamarrwing swoops down with a nice piraty yarr and a buckle-swashing rapier - and slices right through some not-very-nice zombie pirates from Evilville. The sweet innocent kittens are safe!

Then Bamarr kills them too, because she *can.* Too bad for the kittens.
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Re: Kill the NPCs

Postby Phoenix0995 » Sat Mar 27, 2010 1:12 am

Phoenix pops out of nowhere and slaughters a few sharks with a rather large hammer. Then, as an afterthought, he also kills a few Congresscritters. As if they don't deserve it, he thinks.
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Re: Kill the NPCs

Postby Sir Malifact » Sun Mar 28, 2010 3:29 pm

"FORWARD, MY BROTHERS!!! FOR THE EMPRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!"
The ground shakes as the Space Marines charge, the muzzles of their MK VIII "Hellfury" Bolters spitting out sanctified death into the baying mob of heretics, xeno's and chibi's.

There is much explosive gloriousness.

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Re: Kill the NPCs

Postby Phoenix0995 » Sun Mar 28, 2010 6:00 pm

Phoenix looks at the space marines and thinks, Wow. These guys sure like a fight. After thinking for a moment, he leaps into the fray and starts indiscriminately bashing things with his hammer.
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Re: Kill the NPCs

Postby Malyuta Skuratov » Sun Mar 28, 2010 6:38 pm

It was pure sanctified joy, it was. Malyuta was no longer a man, but rather a god gazing upon the ants known as "men." It was a rather curious feeling that these men had no idea that the avatar of their deaths was soaring a few thousand feet overhead, but by the time they saw the bearded, Russian silhouette descending from the clouds, they would know it was too late. They would struggle, most definitely. They would rain holy bolterfire upon him. They would engulf him in flame. They would even attempt an artillery strike once the man had reached the ground.

It would all be for naught.

Malyuta, currently piloting his Ultralite airplane was surveying the battlefield through his aviator goggles. "The fools," he muttered to himself. "They have no idea of the terror about to rain down upon them." Red lights began to flash inside the aircraft, and Malyuta gazed upon the fuel gauge. It was time. The fuel had run empty right as Malyuta predicted. He grabbed his parachute, and stood on the edge of the cockpit, with the Ultralite beginning to nosedive. The bearded man kicked downward upon his aircraft spiraling out of control as he deployed his parachute. The first stage had already begun.

Right at that moment, a few thousand feet below, a Venerable Dreadnought was purging the combined forces of the aliens, the mutants, and the heretics. 'Too easy,' Brother Marcellus thought to himself. 'Is there none who can offer this old Marine a challenge?' Just then, in the corner of his eye, he saw a device that was taking the shape of some horrible warbird spiraling down toward earth. Brother Marcellus wished to move, but he was frozen in horror as he gazed upon his inevitable death.

The Ultralite airplane had collided into the dreadnought's hull, piercing it, and its pilot, causing the dreadnought to sway left and right before finally collapsing backwards and exploding, spraying a plethora of flaming oil upon his brothers. The confused Marines, some of whom were now alight, were wondering where this anomaly had emerged. They would receive their answer in moments to come.

Brother Marcellus' murderer was gracefully falling to the ground, and the Marines perceived him as an enemy to the Emperor. They open-fired upon Malyuta. The large-caliber bullets were striking his parachute, tearing it into pieces. This is just what he wanted. As the last piece of Malyuta's parachute broke apart, he turned downward, mimicking the nosedive his airplane had carried out earlier. He was headed right into the wreckage of Brother Marcellus. As he was plummeting to earth to his supposed demise, and as the Adeptus Astartes were spraying him with bolterfire, he did a flip in midair, thus slowing his descent, and when he landed on the flaming pile of wreckage, he kicked off, did a double flip forward, and executed a somersault upon hitting the ground.

The Marines were in awe. They were going to open-fire upon the would-be assailant, but Malyuta had whipped off his goggles and flung them to the ground. He had carried a parcel along with him to his descent to earth. This parcel was a guitar. A Fender Stratocaster plugged into the amp he carried onto his back. He slung the guitar in front of him, and produced a pick from his pocket. The confused Marines were unsure of what to make of this phenomenon. Just then...

... Malyuta had began playing...

... but not just playing! He was playing solo after crazy solo, that would have worn the fingers of any normal guitar player down to nothing. He had achieved the rare stage of greatness of which guitar players could only dream. He was rocking out. The Astartes stared dumbfounded as his fingers danced elegantly along the strings. Producing a sound that was foreign to them. Malyuta had heard, "CHAAAAAARGE! FOR THE EMPRAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Big mistake. Malyuta began to ROCK EVEN HARDER THAN HE WAS BEFORE. The advancing Marines began to clutch their ears in pain and scream. Some removed their helmets, and in many of their brothers' horror, they saw that through the sheer power of Malyuta's rocking...

... THEIR FACES WERE MELTING OFF.

Through one final strum on his guitar, Malyuta played a chord that was so powerful it had knocked the remaining Marines off their feet. The gauntlet was off. They were listening to the voice of true power.
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Re: Kill the NPCs

Postby Phoenix0995 » Sun Mar 28, 2010 7:52 pm

Phoenix takes out his earplugs and applauds. "Nice job! Your audiomancy is on a par with that of this guy I know, name of Trumpet of Doom. He's really good." He writes something on a piece of paper and hands it to Malyuta. "This is his number. When he asks who you are, just say you're a friend of Phoenix's."

With that, he starts mercy-killing the wounded marines with his hammer. Even the ones that could have been saved. Sucks to be them.
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Re: Kill the NPCs

Postby Sir Malifact » Sun Mar 28, 2010 8:34 pm

Knocked down and disorientated as they were, the Space Marines were not out of the fight. They rose from the ground, audio dampeners already re-calibrating to filter out the heretical noise, their HUD's marking the enemy for extermination. "Cleanse this heresy" Growled a sergeant, and the Marines of his squad nodded, levelling their Bolters at the foe and laying down covering fire, 200mm of armour-piercing explosive shells leaving the adamantite barrels at a rate of 10 per second.
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Re: Kill the NPCs

Postby Phoenix0995 » Sun Mar 28, 2010 10:13 pm

Phoenix watches the marines start to get up and hears the sergeant give his order.

"... joy. I hope they aren't about about to shoot at m -- crap!!"

He jumps out of the way as some of the marines level their Bolters at him and pulls out an energy shield to deflect the bolts.

"No more Mr. Nice Guy," he says as he uses his hammer to great effect, taking out several marines with each blow.
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Re: Kill the NPCs

Postby Malyuta Skuratov » Sun Mar 28, 2010 10:51 pm

Malyuta looked at the piece of paper, folds it, and stuffs it in his pocket. Malyuta saw the bolter shells whizzing past him. With an air of cool, calculating precision on his face, he walks toward the firing Space Marines. He spots one in particular, a Brother-Sergeant. Malyuta reaches inside his pocket and retrieves a revolver. He reaches inside his other pocket and retrieves a single bullet. The Space Marines continued to rain fire upon him, missing all the time in their panic. With a flick of his wrist, Malyuta popped open the revolver chamber, and stuck the single bullet inside, staring intently at the Space Marine sergeant.

The Russian man continued advancing, and the Space Marines continued firing and missing. Malyuta held his revolver aloft as he solemnly walked over to the sergeant. Malyuta had now come within arms-length of his target, and the one thought through all the Astartes' heads was, "Why hasn't he fired yet?!" Malyuta stared into the eyes of the terrified sergeant, rapidly firing at his head but missing every shot.

He lowered the revolver barrel to the sergeant's face, and pulled the trigger.

THE SERGEANT'S ENTIRE BODY EXPLODED IN AN ERUPTION OF FIRE AND STEEL. The Marines were too terrified to speak. They knew he was coming for them, and he wasn't going to show them as much mercy.
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Re: Kill the NPCs

Postby Phoenix0995 » Sun Mar 28, 2010 11:20 pm

Phoenix looks over at Malyuta. "You, my friend, have brass balls." He grins. "You are not, of course, the only one around here with those, but hey, having them at all is a pretty good achievement." He turns back to the advancing crowd of marines, who all seem to be missing Malyuta.

Unfortunately, most of the bolts missing Malyuta appear to be heading directly for Phoenix. He makes sure that his energy shield is on full, then slips his hammer into his personal pocketspace and pulls out a flamethrower. He puts the fuel cylinder on his back, smiles, and lets loose a huge gout of blue flame aimed directly at the horde of marines, instantly killing any that the flame touches.
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Re: Kill the NPCs

Postby Malyuta Skuratov » Mon Mar 29, 2010 12:14 am

"Here," Malyuta said to Phoenix as the Russian was emptying his pockets of many spheres made out of brass. "I have plenty. You take them." Out of the corner of his eye, he spied a lone Space Marine whom Malyuta had knocked down prior to killing his sergeant. The Space Marine had one bullet left in the chamber of his boltpistol, but that was all he needed. A mere five feet away, the Space Marine stared intensely into Malyuta's callous eyes, and Malyuta stared back, daring him to pull the trigger.

With one twitch of his finger, the Space Marine fired his boltpistol...

... Malyuta went stumbling back, clutching his face in pain.

'Success!' The Marine thought.

But Malyuta had dropped his hand, revealing the bullet. The bullet was lodged in his teeth, and as he was clutching it in his mouth, the Marine looked on with horror. The bearded bane of Space Marines tilted his head to the sky, and spat the bullet in the air. As the projectile came tumbling down to the ground, it struck the Astartes, smothering him in flame. Malyuta simply did not give a fuck. He was here to kick ass and drink vodka. And he was all out of vo-oh, no. Wait, he did have some vodka left, and he planned to finish it by the time the battle was done.
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Re: Kill the NPCs

Postby Phoenix0995 » Mon Mar 29, 2010 12:32 am

Phoenix looks at Malyuta. "... do you have any idea what I'm talking about about when I say 'brass balls'?"

He sighs. "Whatever. It's not as if I don't have any ass to kick... but wait a minute. I'm missing something." He thinks for a moment. "What is it that every fight needs to be g -- oh, yeah, alcohol of some sort." He releases the trigger on the flamethrower, reaches into the pocketspace, and pulls out a longneck bottle of Lone Star beer. He opens the bottle, takes a swig, and, still holding the bottle, continues to reduce marines to ash.
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Re: Kill the NPCs

Postby Malyuta Skuratov » Fri Apr 02, 2010 4:32 pm

Malyuta had prepared something different for the next unfortunate Marine. They were watching, waiting for his next move. The Russian man pulled out of his amp-backpack, a small duffel bag. From that duffel bag, he produced what looked like the parts to a small tent. The Marines watched in anticipation, intrigue, and sheer horror as he constructed the tent. After a sum of five minutes, a tent about three feet high, five feet long, and five feet long wide had stood before the bearded Russian. The man once again brought out his revolver and carried it inside the tent...

The Marines watched closely, wondering what he could be planning.

*BLAM*

Everyone heard a gunshot that shook the sky.

The Marines believed he had accepted the hopelessness of his situation and took his own life. They were giving out celebratory yells, when all of a sudden...

A figure emerged from out of the tent.

It was not the murderer of dozens of Adeptus Astartes, but a large, musclebound, naked man with a gunshot wound to his head. The Marines stared in confusion at the corpse and cautiously looked at one another trying to anticipate what Malyuta's next move would be.

They looked at one Marine who was removing his helmet. Much to their surprise, the armor now belonged to their assailant. The Marines knew they were up Shit Creek without a paddle.
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Re: Kill the NPCs

Postby Phoenix0995 » Mon Apr 05, 2010 12:20 am

Phoenix looks at Malyuta, who is removing the armor that used to belong to a space marine. "You sure are creative." He thinks for a moment. "I wonder..." Some of the marines around him give him funny looks before realizing that this is the enemy. Before they get the chance to open fire on him, however, he disappears.

Yeah. Just like that. Kinda anticlimactic, wasn't it?

The marines who were looking at him start loudly complaining about Phoenix's cowardliness, about five seconds before he reappears, this time with a device resembling a light-up toy laser pistol. They give him more funny looks, but before they can start laughing, he fires the thing at a nearby marine. A bright green beam shoots out of the pistol, directly at the marine, and hits him in a blaze of blinding light.

The marines shield their eyes, knowing that they will find only a pile of ashes. If they're lucky. But they're wrong, and they don't expect what they do find:

A kitten.

A white kitten that has no claws and, it seems, a very friendly disposition... very unlike the marine it once was. Overcome by the intolerable cuteness of the poor thing, one of the marines picks it up and cuddles it. That would probably get him a tongue-lashing from his CO, but said CO also wants to hold the kitten, along with everyone else who can see it... with one notable exception: the man who throws a frag grenade with the pin pulled into the crowd of would-be kitten-cuddlers. Yeah, that'd be Phoenix.

Phoenix takes a swig of beer and says, "Been a while since I did that. And man, it was fun."
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Re: Kill the NPCs

Postby Malyuta Skuratov » Mon Apr 05, 2010 6:44 am

Malyuta had grown tired of destroying the Marines physically, and he wanted to try destroying them psychologically.

The man had walked over to his tent, pulled the naked Space Marine out of it, and went inside. He emerged clutching a sleeping bag which he unfurled and laid upon the ground. He removed his armor and got inside the sleeping bag in what the Astartes could only hope was rest. He zipped the sleeping bag shut, and pulled the drawstrings so that it covered him completely.

He remained still for a moment until he began thrashing and turning about in the bag. The Marines looked on with curiosity, wondering what he could be doing. After a solid hour, Malyuta unzipped the sleeping bag, and to the Marines' horror, there was another occupant... a slender Eldar female! The bane of the Emperor's lackeys was doing just as they had presumed. He was giving it to her, and she was loving it.

One Marine was watching intently. He took off his helmet, and he managed to sputter out, "Q-Quallindral?! M-m-my love!"

The callous man had proudly declared to the emotionally devastated man, "She's my girl, now, bitch! Yeah! Malyuta kicks your ass that much!"

The other Marines unsure of what to make of this, just decided to kill the Marine who chose to commit heresy through Xenos love.

(on an unrelated note, YEAH! THIS IS MY 69TH POST!)
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