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Blurred allegiance

Blurred allegiance

Postby vlashrod » Thu Feb 11, 2016 8:29 pm

The story is taking place right after the Puppeeter's event. My cameo Nehleanee is the first role. We'll follow her during the short timeline between chapters 47 and 49. :)
It's my first time i write a fics in english (not my native language), may you forgive my horrible upcoming writing errors *hmmm* :x

A thin ray of light managed to go through a small opening in the curtains, enlighting the small room inside the Sharen's fortress. Quietly, Nehleanee open her eyes, emerging from the weak sleep which owned her during this last few cycles. There was a lot in her mind lately and she knows that the timeline of Chel's history was nearly at a critical peak. Rolling on her back she look on the ceiling and the Sharen symbol inlaid on the rock. The symbol was teasing her, pulling up various memories of her life and somehow judging her, her whom no longer call herself Sharen and who secretly was no longer a part of this millenium clan. Was it guilt she felt inside her heart ? no .. She was proud to be something else, she was just looking on a nearly-to-be relic of the past.

The calm breathing sounds coming from her right side made her turn her head. Straightening up, she gave a look on the male who shared her bed for the night. The Illhar'dro officer was peaceful and unknow of the true nature of his night partner. Nehleanee guessed he was somewhat lucky. To be honest he didn't gave quite the show to the lady who chose him only on a whim, she was just angry, and needed to clear her head after the puppeteer incident, so she chose quite hastily, giving up on quality. And the result was here : a lot in mind remain. Next time she will take her time to choose a good partner.
Well this male will be gone as soon he'll wake up so it was better to focus on better things.
Nehleanee left the bed, passing by her clothes scattered on the floor without picking them. She enlarged the opening in the curtains, giving a look to a overview of Chel. The Sharen's fortress was build in a giant pillar and below her eyes the city seems asleep. But the scars of the war were everywhere she could catch them. Ruins on the Sharen's district who was the most healthy of all, even the Sharess's altar was laying on the ground, reduced to pieces. On the foreground, the large wall build by the Sarghress was enlighten by the smooth and warm light coming from the rift. The war was "over", seculars foes joined hands as one, thinking that an alliance was the best solution to decades of misleading and personnal goals.

A thin breeze coming through the window chilled her naked body, forcing her to wear the nearest nightdress she could catch and withdraw to another room in her privates appartment where her desk was awaiting her. A large pile of documents welcomed her, reports of all kind and letters from all contacts she could have. Her participation to the Nuqhra's civil war has brought quite a result of extra-work. She was the Sharen Family Liaison, the link between all the Fives Families and even the subhouses. Her job was quite various, to act as a internal mediator in case of conflicts or a mailbox for thoses that wants to contact officialy a specific person. She never ran short of work since her appointment.
Gathering up her courage, she took a piece of paper and her better quill for start a new writing. Lady Snadhya'rune needs to be aware on the last events and she was the only one who can tell her what happened during the last days. An other part of her job but this time she was more energic to do it. Because that was her true allegiance, to be an informant and to be the Nidra'chaal she always been.

Some small knocking noises stopped her writing, somebody was at the door. She opened only to see a servant who has come for her.
-What is it slave ? The slave made a quick formal bow before the lady. -My lady Nehleanee, Empress Zala'ess is asking for your presence at the Alliance council. The young boy did not rise his head, waiting wisely for the answer. -She's asking me .. can you give me the reason ? -No, my Lady. Summons was occuring quite often since the last days, Nehleanee's grandmother was also busy to become the new Supreme Ruler, quite an aberration in Nehle's mind. -Very well, i'll be here. You may leave.
The servant bowed again, more close to the ground this time, letting the Sharen lady with another question : what choose to wear for meet Zala'ess ?
Last edited by vlashrod on Fri Feb 12, 2016 8:32 am, edited 3 times in total.
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Re: Blurred allegiance

Postby Obsidian Agent » Thu Feb 11, 2016 9:07 pm

Nice! For having English as a second language, you've mastered it better than a few people I know who have it as their first (and only).

Just a few corrections, though. When writing dialogue in English, every time a different character speaks, you start a new paragraph. So, it'd go something like this:

Some small knocking noises stopped her writing - somebody was at the door. She opened it, only to see a servant who had come for her.

"What is it, slave?" The slave made a quick formal bow before the lady.

"My lady Nehleanee, Empress Zala'ess is asking for your presence at the Alliance council." The young boy did not raise his head, wisely waiting for the answer.

"She's asking me... can you give me the reason?"

"No, my Lady." Summons had become quite frequent in the last few days, since Nehleanee's grandmother was also busy trying to become the new Supreme Ruler - quite an aberration in Nehle's mind.

"Very well, I'll be there. You may leave."


There are also just a few minor touch-ups needed. Some things should be changed to: "The Illhar'dro officer was peaceful and unknowing of the true nature of his night partner.", and "she was just angry, and needed to clear her head after the puppeteer incident, so she chose quite hastily, giving up on quality."

But hey, for your first attempt at writing a story in English, this was actually pretty good. A lot better than my first attempt at writing a story in German back in High School. All I remember about that story was that there was some guy named "Herr Grunkopf" - literally "Mr. Greenhead" - who got that name because of his green hair. Yeah.
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Re: Blurred allegiance

Postby vlashrod » Fri Feb 12, 2016 7:35 am

Thanks for the help. I have yet some subtleties to master. I'll try the text form for dialogues for the next chapter. *heehee*
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