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War of the Fanclubs : a silly story

War of the Fanclubs : a silly story

Postby Black Knight LeFreux » Tue Jul 14, 2015 6:26 pm

War of the Fanclubs

(Before reading this fiction, please remember that it’s done in a spirit of humour and nonsense, so it will be frequent that this humble narrator did not get a User’s personality, opinions or gender right (like the idiot he is). Also bear with me for my poor english, I’m French and we’re all f*cking terrible to learn foreign language.

Enjoy.)


In every fandom, inevitably, a character of the main story is placed on a pedestal.
The Holy Pedestal of the Drowtales Universe is reserved strictly for the clan leaders, but there can only be one statue at a time, and the reason it is there vary from time to time… depending on which Fanclub gets the upper hand.
Currently, the Shimilande Believers hold the fortress at the centre of which the Pedestal stand. Led by the fierce Commander HoneyBee, it seems no force is capable of dislodging the late Shimilande from her rightful place as “Perfect Leader”…
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Re: War of the Fanclubs : a silly story

Postby Black Knight LeFreux » Tue Jul 14, 2015 6:26 pm

HoneyBee could feel it in the air. She squinted her eyes and watched keenly the grassland that surrounded the fortress, up until the forest covered the horizon. The fortress had its back protected by high cliffs and the sea, so the only way to attack at full might the place was to pass through the forest and to be seen plainly on the prairie.
Some of the highest branches were moving, and soon she felt the tremors caused by hundreds or thousands of soldiers on the march. She turned and noticed Mizu staring at her.
« - Brace yourself. Delusion is coming… »

As the alarm in the fortress was raised, the sound of war horns disrupted the quiet silence of the morning and scared hundreds of birds into flying. Soon after, she heard a name, chanted by thousands of enthusiastic fans: Nega’Fanae! Nega’Fanae! Nega’Fanae!
From under the covers of the trees, soldiers set foot on the grassland. They were forming a big army, brandishing banners where the face of their beloved leader, Ill’haress Nega’Fanae of the Clan Ill’hardro, was lovingly sewn. They had brought golems with them, as well as hundreds of riders mounted on giant birds and just as much infantry. She spotted colours from other clans, but all of them were wearing the blue armband, indicating their membership to the Nega’Fanae Followers.
Despite the distance, HoneyBee spotted their leaders: the Prancing Commander himself, Sonor Val’Illhar’dro, followed by Ra’tatosk and AnoP, his lieutenants.
She was going to curse them under her breath when suddenly other war chants reached her ears.

On the left of the Nega’Fanae Followers, Snadhya’rune Cultists appeared, wearing purple armbands, and chanting lugubriously “Snad. Snad. Snad.” like a mantra. Many called them the Brainwashed, because it was hard to distinguish the true believers from those tortured and hypnotised to think that way. They were led by Commander Vlashrod, accompanied by Khora2150 and Lordpanther, whose blank stares marked them without fail as Brainwashed.

On the right, Quain’tana’s War-Fanboys left the cover of the forest, displaying their red banners and armbands with pride. They were led by the legendary Captain of the Wolf’s Throne, Gem76, who had brought with him his trusted lieutenants, Durlyn Val’Sarghress and Partner555.

It was a glorious day to defend your beloved leader, it seemed.
Last edited by Black Knight LeFreux on Wed Jul 15, 2015 6:48 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: War of the Fanclubs : a silly story

Postby SFI » Tue Jul 14, 2015 6:28 pm

LOL XD
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Re: War of the Fanclubs : a silly story

Postby Black Knight LeFreux » Tue Jul 14, 2015 6:29 pm

On a hill overlooking both the forest and the keep of the Holy Pedestal, a User wearing a grey armband was calmly observing the three armies converge and attack each other. Another User, sporting a green armband, soon joined him.

“- Hello Black Knight!” he said.
“- Junglefowl26, well met!” He paused, spotting the green armband. “Rel’Lumia’s Fellowship isn’t going to defend its Leader today?
- Nah, we’re still mourning for her loss, but perhaps we will get back to the fight next week. And you, Black? You’re here to profit of the spectacle or defend someone?
- Heh, the Black Knight move for no one…
- Spare me the Monty Python’s jokes and tell me”, cut Junglefowl26.
Black Knight put a finger on his grey armband.
“- I joined Waes’ Sympathizers. Though my arguments are still weak, it’s my duty as a Beld.
- You’re not forced to support a leader because you’re part of her clan, but whatnot. So, are the Sympathizers joining the field today?
- Yep, but we wait for everyone to be weakened. Then we move to strike.
- Smart. Who’s your commander?
- SFI, but we have Dalvyserran to moderate her.
- That must be comforting”, mused Jungle, before observing the armies. “Nega has a good claim for the “Perfect Leader” title, but Quain? And I don’t even mention Snad!
- The War-Fanboys want to replace the “Perfect” Phylactery by the “Badass” one. For that description, I’m afraid she’s unbeatable. As for the Cultists… I don’t think they’re allowed to realise that murdering everything and everyone through backstabbing and poison doesn’t make you perfect…
- You know, there is one other field on which Quain can’t compete… the biggest titted leader!”
Black Knight laughed before adding:
“- Aye, I’m afraid she would be flat out beaten… I’ve brought popcorn. Want some?
- Of course!
Black Knight passed to Jungle the box and they ate, as the battle began…
Last edited by Black Knight LeFreux on Tue Jul 14, 2015 6:46 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: War of the Fanclubs : a silly story

Postby Black Knight LeFreux » Tue Jul 14, 2015 6:29 pm

HoneyBee turned to Obyren.
“- Activate the Faith Shield!
- The Faith Shield?
- The Faith Shield.
- Faith Shield?
- Faith Shield.
- Faishield… Shit!
- You’ll never have me at that game, Obyren.”
After the order was given, Shimilande Believers gathered and chanted her name, and in seconds a great white bubble formed around the fortress, just as Nega’s Followers’ golems and Quain’s War-Fanboys siege engines started to bombard the fortress. The fact that Snad’s Cultists weren’t doing the same made HoneyBee suspect that something was afoul…

In the meantime, on the battlefield, the commanders started to duel, while the mooks were slaughtering each other happily. Ra’tatosk against Partner555, Anop vs Durlyn, while Sonor tried to reach Gem76, but was blocked by a multitude of grunts she had to slash through.
Gem76, who had just knocked out both Khora2150 and Lordpanther (really not at their best, I assure you), confronted Vlashrod.
“- Your arguments are invalid, Vlashrod!”
Gem76 wanted to start the duel with words, but he only got silence for answer. He grunted, disappointed, before attacking with ferocity. Vlashrod repelled his first attacks, but the Captain of the Wolf’s Throne was too fast and experimented. A shield strike knocked Vlashrod’ sword out of his hands, and Gem76 capitalized his advantage by plunging his sword into Vlashrod’s throat.
As his enemy gargled in his own blood, Gem76 noticed something weird where the sword had cut the skin. Lowering himself to examine, he touched the wound and realised his enemy was wearing a false skin. He pulled on it, taking away the mask, and the face of a perfectly unknown individual revealed itself.
“- Vlashrod… you sneaky little twat…
- GEM76!” screamed someone behind him.
Last edited by Black Knight LeFreux on Tue Jul 14, 2015 7:27 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: War of the Fanclubs : a silly story

Postby Black Knight LeFreux » Tue Jul 14, 2015 6:30 pm

“- And I was starting to wonder why Vlashrod was commanding so badly.” commented Junglefowl26.
They continued to observe the battlefield, until Black Knight broke the silence again.
“- After so many Leaders death, did you know that Kyo’nne was writing a new song?
- No. Do you know how it goes?
- Yeah, something like this: “This clan that I kno-o-ow beeeeest, I’m leeeeeaderleessss...
- Thankfully she’s the one who’ll sing it, not you.”
Black Knight was going to pout when Junglefowl26 looked at the popcorn box and said: ”Hey, it’s the Naked Leaders Collector Edition!”
- Yep, got some cards already. Your leader’s card by the way. I’m sorry to say it, but we’re really going to miss Rel’lumia’s huge tracts of land!
- Damn it, I got Nega three times but I still don’t have Rel’lumia!”
Black Knight reached inside the box and found the small bag containing the card.
“- So, which one is it… I hope it’s not Quain again!
- She’s that bad naked?
- She got my eyes bleeding instead of my nose, that’s for sure! And I would have had an aneurysm if it wasn’t for the sword covering her intimate parts!
- I heard they stopped putting one of the cards in the boxes but I didn’t know it was the Quain’s one. So, which one is it?”

Black Knight, careful, ripped the top of the bag, revealing a masked face.
“- That’s Kharla’ggen. I’m a bit scared now…”
He ripped what was left, and both Junglefowl26 and he said “Wooooow…”
“- Dat ass…” he declared afterwards, while putting the card inside his chest armor.
“- You’re motherkilling lucky. Care for a trade…?
- Hel no!”
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Re: War of the Fanclubs : a silly story

Postby Black Knight LeFreux » Tue Jul 14, 2015 6:31 pm

Gem76 turned and faced Sonor Val’Illhar’dro.
“- You took your time.
- There was quite a lot of traffic on the way. Now, fight me!”
Sonor and Gem76 fought, and the Captain bruised and gave small cuts to the Prancing Commander, but there was no opening for a decisive strike. At one point, Sonor gave her sword an oblique trajectory, and Gem76 stooped to avoid the blow. Not fast enough however; the blade managed to cut a lot of his hair, giving him a ridiculous shaven top head.
“- My haircut!!!” He snarled before smiling. “Hey, Sonor, did you know we developed spellsongs foci?”
Sonor gave him a surprised look, not understanding what this had to do with the fight, and was caught off guard when Gem76 activated his foci, and a loud “QAIN-TA-NA!!” send her flying into the air.
“- We’re not in Skyriiiiiimm…” she screamed before smashing into the ground, on another part of the battlefield.
Gem76 laughed and savoured his victory… until a huge rock, launched by the Shimi Believers and with appropriately engraved on it “HEADACHE”, landed on him.
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Re: War of the Fanclubs : a silly story

Postby Black Knight LeFreux » Tue Jul 14, 2015 6:31 pm

“- Ouch.” Commented Black Knight.
Junglefowl26 saw another thing, however.
“- Is that Waes’ Sympathizers dragging Khora out of the battlefield?
- Yep. Some feels we owe him that much for financing the Beldrobbaen chapter… Which allowed more screentime for Waes. Maybe SFI and Dalvyserran will try to make him see the Dark, as well.
- And Lordpanther?
- He can die for all we care”, he answered with a jesting smile.
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Re: War of the Fanclubs : a silly story

Postby Black Knight LeFreux » Tue Jul 14, 2015 6:32 pm

While HoneyBee was watching Gem76 being mashed, and commanding the catapults to launch more rocks and faster, Mizu was at the back of the fortress, and spotted Snad’s Cultists trying to climb the cliffs. He turned to his mooks and ordered:
“- Drop the Scyrus, boys!”
“The Scyrus” was the affectionate surname given to a massive ball of steel from which popped out two massive blades. The face of a decadent popstar with sunglasses was engraved on it, and below was cast the words “LIKE A WRECKING BALL”. The Shimi fanatics, by freeing the Scyrus, unleashed an unstoppable mass of steel, scraping huge portions of rock from the cliff while it fell. The Snad’s Cultists, having nowhere to escape, could only scream in terror before being reduced to mincemeat.
And all Vlashrod could do, watching as it happened from his submarine, was to say:
“- Well… fuck.”
Mizu and his soldiers were cheering when the sound of new war horns thundered across the battlefield. He ran and quickly joined HoneyBee at the front, and stared in disbelief as new challengers came into the fray… with a huge advantage.
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Re: War of the Fanclubs : a silly story

Postby Black Knight LeFreux » Tue Jul 14, 2015 6:33 pm

The Suna’s Caretakers, commanded by Rune, Madea and Tsuris, marched in good order behind Suna herself, whose adorableness was so enormous she herself had grown to 10 feet tall. She was wearing her baby sized plate armor and wielded a massive rattle. She used it like a huge club to send flying the poor unfortunate wretches on her way, who had been paralyzed by her aura of adorability.
“- And so, Cuteness shall reign supreme…” said Partner555 in a defeated tone.
Durlyn hadn’t said his last words however.
“- Damn you, Caretakers! We’d agreed to no adorable warfare! But we have our own weapon of mass distraction!”
He picked a strange device from his pocket, which resembled a red ball.
“I CHOOSE YOU, OCTOBEAR!!”

He tossed the ball, which opened in mid hair, and a cloud of energy emerged from it. The mana gathered particles, and a towering baby appeared. Its hair formed tentacles and many were unfortunate enough to be caught in their tender (iron) grasp. As if it was taking a long nap, the Octobear emitted a yawn that had the proportion of a Godzilla’s roar, before spotting Suna and ran to her, ready to “play”.
An unholy scream resonated soon afterwards: Sonor, the Prancing Commander, couldn’t take so much adorableness, and fell to her knees, crying. Ra’tatosk quickly came to her aid and transported her out of reach, while AnoP sounded the retreat.

While Durlyn watched with satisfaction the Nega Followers leaving, a mook came to him.
“- Sir, the Sul’s Party-takers won’t come today, but they left us some of their weapons. I request permission to unleash the Lolcats.
- Permission granted. They’ve started a war they can’t win.”
Snad’s Cultists, already put on the edge of chaos with the loss of their commanders, couldn’t take any more cuteness and disbanded, pursued by the Lolcats.

Meanwhile, Suna and Octobear were playing together, but they were too close to the cliff and the earth couldn’t support their adorableness any longer. The land crumbled underneath them, and they fell into the sea with a cute “splash”. With the fall of their Leader, Suna’s Caretakers had lost their advantage and were forced to leave the battlefield as well.

Partner555, back into his boots, saw that nothing stood in their way anymore from the fortress. Now, the real battle could begin.
“- Bring up the Wolf’s Fist.”
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Re: War of the Fanclubs : a silly story

Postby Black Knight LeFreux » Tue Jul 14, 2015 6:34 pm

In the fortress, the situation didn’t look good.
“- We should have been more economical with the catapults. We don’t have anything to throw anymore!” complained Oberyn.
“- We still have plenty of arrows, cows to throw, and our arguments are strong!” replied HoneyBee. “We shall prevail!
- I’m not so sure of that anymore.” Mizu said while pointing a finger to the battlefield.
HoneyBee turned around and saw what worried Mizu. Even her confidence started to melt.

The Wolf’s Fist was a massive battering ram, forged in the fires of Quain’s wrath, cooled in a bath of fanboys’ tears and imbued with Mel’s hatred. The blacksmiths had shaped the iron into the form of a forearm, ended with a clenched fist, and it seemed ready to smash a mountain. The battering ram was dragged to the gate of the fortress by gigantic pachyderms, for no other beasts could carry it around.

After excruciating minutes, the Wolf’s Fist arrived before the gates. Then, the War-Fanboys started chanting.
Quain. Quain. Quain. Quain…
The runes engraved into the iron started to emit a red glow.
Quain. Quain. Quain. Quain…!
Now they were burning red.
Quain! Quain! Quain! Quain!
The arm lifted itself backwards, its Runes of Epicness powered by Badassery, higher, higher…
QUAIN! QUAIN! QUAIN! QUAIN!"
The Wolf’s Fist launched itself forward, while a magic battlecry resounded in the air, as if Quain’tana herself was attacking the fortress with her bare hands.

HoneyBee thought before that Quain’s Badassery couldn’t dent the Perfection of Shimilande, but her hopes crumbled when the Faith Shield bubble burst with an anti-dramatic “Pop”.

It wasn’t enough for the Wolf’s Fist, however, which went backwards again, while the War-Fanboys continued chanting. The Gates were made of iron and strong wood, and they were solid enough to withstand a thousand assaults. Yet their toughness wasn’t enough against the power of Epicness, and with each blow, the more the Gates threatened to break.

HoneyBee realised that the reinforcements wouldn’t be there in time. She turned to Oberyn.
“- Oberyn… We need the Perfect Leader’s Only Flaw.
- Not the Perfect Leader’s Only Flaw!” he answered with desperation.
“- We have no choice! When the Gates fall, we will be overwhelmed and Obsidian Agent will arrive too late to help. You know what to do.”
Oberyn sighed and left the parapet to give the orders.
Last edited by Black Knight LeFreux on Wed Jul 15, 2015 6:50 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: War of the Fanclubs : a silly story

Postby Black Knight LeFreux » Tue Jul 14, 2015 6:35 pm

Back at the Nega’s Followers war camp, Ra’tatosk and AnoP did their best to put together the poor Sonor’eina.
“- Stop crying for Kern’s sake!”
Okay, they were running out of patience.
“- They were so cuuute…” sobbed Sonor.
“- Kite have mercy on us, we have Nega’s honor to defend!”
Ra’tatosk heard some strange sounds, turned around and for the first time of the day, smiled.
“- Well, that’s something that will sheer you up.”
Sonor rose her head and looked. And in a matter of seconds, Sad Sonor became Mad Sonor.
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Re: War of the Fanclubs : a silly story

Postby Black Knight LeFreux » Tue Jul 14, 2015 6:36 pm

Durlyn watched with a smile as the Wolf’s Fist transformed the mighty Gates into splinters. They would have to be repaired once the fortress taken, but that was nothing the power of Fanatism and Epicness could not do. Overall, the only stain on this day was the way the Captain was taken. Gem76 had to be extracted (from the ground, to be precise), and he was currently receiving healing in the war camp.
Durlyn smelled the air and said:
“- I like the smell of victory in the afternoon.”
Partner555 smelled afterwards, and frowned.
“- That’s not the smell of victory… More like…”
Suddenly, the attackers were showered with a hot brown liquid by the defenders. At first they screamed in pain because of the heat, but soon they went dizzy and started raving, completely stoned.
“CHOCOLATE!! YOU MOTHERKILLERS!”

“- This pains us more than you”, replied Oberyn miserably over the walls.
It was true: to weaken the War-Fanboys, the Shimi Believers had to melt their entire stock of chocolate. Which meant that the Believers would soon show sign of chocolate withdrawal, and become even more desperate.

The success of the Believers was short-lived however: hot chocolate could melt the heart of the attackers, not the iron of the Wolf’s Fist. With one last punch, the battering ram destroyed what was left of the Gates and now the War-Fanboys just had to enter to call it a day.
Durlyn was giving the orders to move the troops that had not been “choco-stoned” at the front when someone blew a war horn on their right.

Everyone turn their heads, and saw a large group of riders and warriors, wearing a white armband, galloping towards them. At their head, mounted on a strange vehicle, Obsidian Agent. HoneyBee let out a sigh of relief when she saw him.
The vehicle, powered by Faith, was advancing without the help of any beasts, and was transporting huge tanks containing methane. Obsidian Agent, holding a terrifying flamethrower, burst some flames before screaming:
“- WAR-FANBOYS!! THE PURGE IS HERE!!”
The War-Fanboys in question tried to stop him by raising a stone wall with earth foci, but Obsidian Agent just ran through, followed by the riders who simply jumped above the wall.
Quite useless those earth foci, would have thought the Fanboys in retrospective, if they weren’t crushed and burned and slaughtered.

Seeing the number of casualties rising to ridiculous proportions, the red lieutenants preferred to sound the retreat. They were on their way to the forest when other war horns blew off.

Suddenly, they were ran over by Nega’s Followers, who had come back to the fray. At the head of the riders, Sonor, now wearing a muzzle, was driving a chariot pulled by four chicken-golems breathing blue flames. She laughed heavily as her metallic chariot crushed dozens of mooks effortlessly, and charged directly towards Obsidian Agent.
Incapable of putting his own chariot out of the way, he was rammed violently and then was sent flying into the air, to finish his flight by smashing into the ground. Meanwhile, his vehicle turned on the side and continued to be pushed by Sonor’s chariot.

Standing at the entrance of the fortress, HoneyBee knew what was going to happen. While her mooks ran away, she pulled out a pair of sunglasses from her dress, and seconds later, Sonor crashed on the side of the Gates. The methane contained in the tanks exploded, creating a huge explosion which pulverized what the Wolf’s Fist didn’t destroy, the Wolf’s Fist itself, and send the rest flying into the air.
Standing in the middle of the devastation, HoneyBee sighed and pulled out her sunglasses, and then fixed the flames.

Sonor emerged from the fire, covered in soot, her muzzle making her look like a famous villain. She breathed loudly, before dropping the parody act and unwrap the muzzle.
“- I don’t even know why I put that on.” She said while spitting and coughing.
Once her composure came back, she took two lightsabres from… out of nowhere and tossed one at HoneyBee. The Believer’s commander frowned while a white light appeared in her hand.
“- We’re not in Starwars either.
- I don’t care, it’s cool.” Replied Sonor, a blue light illuminating her face.

They duelled each other while the Followers invaded the fortress and took the fight to the Believers. HoneyBee proved to be the match Sonor didn’t want, however, and at one point she sent Sonor’s lightsabre flying elsewhere. HoneyBee pointed the white lightblade at Sonor’s throat.
“- Shimilande won’t go down the Holy Pedestal anytime soon…
- I still got a card up my sleeve…”
Quite literally, in fact. Her fingers pulled a Naked Leader Collector Card out of her blue sleeve.
“SEXYQUAIN!!”
“- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!!! MY EYES!!! IT BLEEEEEEDS!!!!”
HoneyBee wasn’t the type of User to appreciate Quain’s manli… womanliness? (I don’t know), and she covered her bleeding eyes too late. Sonor profited of the distraction to pull a large ham… out of nowhere (again), and hit HoneyBee with all her strength.
“- The largest ham wins the battle!” Sonor cheered as her foe fell on the ground.

She then kissed Quain’s card, before realizing what she had done and whom she had kissed. She spat and swore to herself to later wash her mouth with fire.

She was distracted, so she didn’t see Oberyn and Mizu, on horses, galloping toward them and couldn’t do a thing when they caught HoneyBee and put her on Mizu’s horse.
“- This isn’t over!” screamed HoneyBee at Sonor. “We are legion! Shimilande will be back on the Holy Pedestal! EXPECT THE BELIEVER’S INQUISITION!!”

Sonor shrugged. For this day at least, and maybe tomorrow, it would be Nega’Fanae on the Pedestal.
Last edited by Black Knight LeFreux on Tue Jul 14, 2015 6:52 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: War of the Fanclubs : a silly story

Postby Black Knight LeFreux » Tue Jul 14, 2015 6:37 pm

Black Knight saw that Nega’s Followers had won the battle.
“- I never thought I would witness Sonor winning a battle, but here we are. Time for Act II, then”, he said while getting back on his feet. “I have to warn Commander SFI. See you Jungle… and fight you certainly, on another day!
- Yeah, bye!” Junglefowl26 answered, keeping the popcorn box.

An hour later, Nega’Fanae’s Followers had put a statue of their leader on the Holy Pedestal, and when they thought they could breathe, the war horns of Waes’ Sympathizers shattered that hope. But they weren’t the only army to emerge from the forest: on their left appeared Asira’s Minions, sporting yellow armbands and led by Commander Razara, and on their right was Kiel’s Gang-Crew, with orange armbands.

Junglefowl26 was going to enjoy the second act, for sure…
Last edited by Black Knight LeFreux on Tue Jul 14, 2015 7:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: War of the Fanclubs : a silly story

Postby Black Knight LeFreux » Tue Jul 14, 2015 6:38 pm

Epilogue

Inside the Cultists submarine, Vlashrod was observing his newest acquisitions: Suna and Octobear, both back to the normal size of toddlers.
“- Fools!” he said to no one in particular (impending classic villain speech). “You all fought mere cannon fodder today, a test to study your tactics and strategies! But when the true Cultists march, with those weapons of massive cuteness at our disposal, Snadhya’rune will be at her rightful place, as Perfect Leeeaaaa…”

He fell head first on the floor, because the submarine had hit something.
“What was THAAT?!
- Sorry boss, my hands slipped and I put the submarine in reverse! We… erm, bumped into the cliff…
- Kerndamnit, and I lost the insurance’s papers of this submarine...”


THE END
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