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List of things Ash'waren is not allowed to do, ever.

List of things Ash'waren is not allowed to do, ever.

Postby aceofAces » Wed Apr 29, 2015 1:19 am

1. Is not allowed to use empathy to "create an army of tiny-tots."

2. Is not allow to put a Sharen emblem on Quain'tana's armor on any Sarghress armor.

3. To send Shimi'lande "oodles of porn"

4. To go on a "Bare-Naked Rampage"
1. Nor is she permitted to create a band using this name.
1. The Bare Naked Ladies' legal team has been notified of your attempts Ash'waren, and are ready to press lawsuit claims.

5. Ash'waren is forbidden to sing while drunk high otherwise under the influence with mental faculties reduced.

6. She not to send spam e-mails to Diva'ratrika
1. If this damages anything beloning to the Val'Sharen, Ash'waren will be billed for the cost of damaged property or repairs
2. She is also not to pay damages with marital aids or sexual lubricant.

7. Ash'waren is not to arrive on the grounds of SCP Containment Facility - [][]
1. I don't know how you did it, but next time they can have you for study
2. Ash'waren is not to engage in sexual acts with Dr. Bright. (you don't want to know.)

8. She is forbidden from shaping Playdoh into marital aids.
1. Or from shaping marital aids into Playdoh. (Why would you even do that?)

9. Ash'waren is not permitted to "stick her dick" in anything.

10. She is forbidden from using microwave ovens. The last thing we need is a repeat of the "Giant Soda Bunny" incident.

11. Ash'waren cannot title any music playlists as "Booty Jams."

12. "Because reasons" is not a valid excuse for anything.
1. Incidentally Ash's internet privileges are henceforth revoked.

13. She is not to use a cigarette lighter on mana producing plants.

14. She is not to broadcast "Don't Stop Me Now" by Queen over any PA system while she is engaged in sexual acts.
1. "We are the Champions" is also banned.

15. Ash is not to use Obsidian Agent's computer ANYONE ELSE'S computer.

16. Singing "Let It Go" during council meetings is right out.
1. So is performing a rendition of "Everybody Shut Up!" by Ninja Sex Party. The marital aide has been confiscated and incinerated.

17. Using titles of porn movies in your pick-up lines is not only distasteful, it's also highly ineffective.

18. Never having sex is forbidden. Ash is forbidden from editing this document.
1. This includes paying, blackmailing, threatening, or otherwise convincing others to do it for you.

19. Trading Ssu's for backrubs is poor form.

20. Giving lube to a dragon as "a refreshing drink" was a very, very bad idea.

21. Giving chocolate to a summon "just to see what would happen" is banned after the "Kooky the Summon" incident.

22. Designing and building "Penis Cannons" is banned.
1. Pointing them directly at the Kyorl district will result in the immediate confiscation of all marital aids.
2. Firing them at all results in the disbandment of any research groups associated with marital aids or ballistic weaponry.
1. Okay that one time was pretty hilarious.

23. Ash'waren is not the "Sex Goddess" despite her libido. She is therefore forbidden to convince others of her false divinity.

24. Lacing food and drink served at Sullisin'rune parties with laxatives is barred.

25. Paying the Jaal'darya to make you a tentacles bio-golem so you can "reenact hentai" is banned. Asira'malika has been notified.

26. The purchase of "a cup of orgasm" from the SCP foundation is banned. Upon discovery that Dr.Bright was responsible for the sales, the SCP Foundation have taken steps to secure SCP-294, rendering this rule void.

27. Ash is forbidden from giving sentences to criminals with faculties reduced.

28. Ash is not perform the "Macarena" during diplomatic meetings.

29. Ash is not to reenact the game "Rumble Roses" with anyone.

30. Using Anti-tank missiles as marital aids because you "like to live dangerously" is right out.

31. Using Waes' tablet golems to "hack the planet" is not only unfeasible, it's just a bad idea.

32. The District War did not start because "Diva was bad in bed."

33. Giving Ash access to time machines of any kind will result in spankings immediate and severe punishment

34. Do not pit Sangheili up against SCP-682. No, not even if you have bets riding on it.

35. Cosplaying as Kratos from God of War does not give you free reign to "show da tiddy".

36. Ash is not to organize an "Annual Sullissin'rune BBQ" ever again.

37. Ash is not use slaves as a "bitchin' " stepladder.

38. Trying to invite other Il'haress' to Taco Bell for a "high-class dinner" is banned.

39. You can't "re-engineer the dome to look like a giant schlong."

40. Ash is banned from attempting to cook a hot-dog using a microwave laser, again.
1. I don't care how many times you beg, we aren't giving it back. How did you even get that thing?

41. Ash is not allowed to send a box of dire-rats to the local orphanage.
1. No they did not "slash the tires on [your] car", you don't even own a car.
2. Nor did they steal your toothbrush.
3. Ash is also no longer allowed to make up reasons to go after the orphanage.

42. Ash is not allowed to quote Cave Johnson or GLaDOS anyone from a Valve game.

43. Ash is not to use gasoline as lube. Not after the "Taint Inferno of 1099".

44. Genetically engineering a army of flying drows by engaging in sexual acts with birds is not only right out, but disregards the basic rules of biology.

45. She is forbidden from naming her marital aides "boomstick."
1. Incidentally, saying "it's clobbering time" before engaging in sexual acts is forbidden.

46. Ash is no longer allowed to reenact Dwarf fortress stories, especially with any gnomes.
1. Dressing up people's Chihuahua's in gnome costumes is also forbidden.
2. Give Mr. Henderson back is "wee men". (please, dear god.)

47. Orphanages are not "All-You-Can-Eat" buffets. Hell, they aren't even normal buffets.
1. Incidentally leading predatory SCPs to said orphanage is banned. (again if they catch you again, it;s your problem)

48. Tiberium is not food seasoning. Stop telling the Sharen that.

49. From now on, all bananas must be sliced if Ash is to eat them.

50. On a related note, Ash'waren is now banned from using ping-pong balls.

51. Don't even THINK of mentioning Y'[REDACTED].

52. SCP-682 does not share your libido, Ashie. Don't even try anymore.
1. Seriously SCP-682 was comatose for two days

53. Yes, Dr. Soong made his androids 'fully functional'. No, you are not allowed to test that claim.
1. Not even with Dr. Soong's permission.

54. Ash'waren may not use milk machines.

55. "Five Nights At Freddy's" does NOT mean "Five One-Night Stands". And besides, the Internet has already over-sexed Chica enough. We don't need your help.
1. She is also barred from playing "Five Nights At Fuckboys."

56. Due to the [REDACTED] Incident, which cost the lives of at least 27 Class-B Personnel, and five Class-A Personnel, including Dr. [REDACTED] and Lt. Cmdr. [REDACTED], Ash'waren has had all chocolate rights revoked.

57. Stop trying to get Constable Odo to turn you into a shape-shifter as well. We all know what you'd do with those powers.

58. While Dr. Hammers may be a 'Melting Pot of Grouchiness', please don't call him that. Especially not after [REDACTED]

59. For the love of God, STOP MAKING ADS FOR OUR WEBPAGE. Especially if they involve you modeling in them.

60. Ash is not allowed to sell SCP-173 as a modern art statue.
1. I don't care how much you think you can sell it for.

61. Naga slaves are not to be placed at the milk machines. Those are for cows only. We already had to suffer the indignity of unwittingly using YOUR breast milk in our coffee and cereal, Ashie. Don't even TRY to place the Nagas there.

62. J.G. Wentworth commercials are not real operas.

63. Our theme song is NOT "The Hamster Dance".

64. "Muscle March" is now a banned video game. Making this all the more significant is that until only a few weeks ago - when you bought your first copy of it, Ashie, is that no one else on this base HAD a copy of that game.

65. Stop dialing 1-900 numbers, and using audio splices of our voices to prank them.
1. Stop calling 1-900 numbers in general.

66. While it was funny when it happened to Ghost, you should also stop making audio splices of us to prank call the FBI.

67. From what our records tell us, there was never an ancient Sulissin holiday celebrated by twerking naked for all to see.

68. Tesla coils are NOT a suitable replacement for vibrators. They just.... aren't.
1. No just because Bender does the same shit in Futurama does not mean it's okay for you to do it. He's a robot, therefore he's a might tougher than you are.

69. ...Get your mind out of the damn gutter.

70. Ash is forbidden from asking anyone to turn her into a cyborg.

71. Grand Theft Auto is not a documentary for daily life in human society. Stop trying to convince the other clans of such.

72. Ash is forbidden from organizing movie nights for local disenfranchised children. We're still trying to work up the money to pay for their psychotherapy sessions.

73. Painting giant penises onto the sides of the Sharen fortress is right out.

74. Ash is not allowed to create the "Bright Ideas Department" for Dr.Bright.

75. The Borg have not attacked just because people are walking around with prosthetic limbs.

76.Ash'waren should never be anywhere near Gunbird's firearms collection. Body fluids are not for the barrels.
1.And don't let her use the gun lube ether.
2. And the Suppressors

77.Never let Ash'waren have sex with SCP-106.Yes, I know she prevented the "old man" from causing a cuntament breech for the longest time but..but.Just don't let her do it!

78. Stop calling Class-D's "Big D's".

79. Cheerleader outfits are now banned as Halloween costumes. Director Hamilton was not impressed when you kept flashing your panties at her.

80. No using your empathy to put songs in other people's heads. I'm still trying to get "The Safety Dance" un-stuck.

81. When "Bring Your Child To Work" Day comes, under NO circumstances is Big Mean Carl to be let in the building. Do I make myself clear, Ashie?

82. Stop giving our comm filter codes to the Internet Buttstalker. When he referred to SCP-682 as "Baby Buns" it caused said SCP to have its most impressive rage ever. And the less said about how he offered to "handle Dr. Bright's toolbox", the better.

83. The Order of the Stick's "Crack Pairing" generator is NOT a guideline for real life.

84. "The Room", by Tommy Wiseau, is no longer to be shown at diplomatic functions. That is all.

85. Sharknados are not a real-life weather phenomenon. Stop trying to change that fact.

86. Don't take Rupert. Old Man Henderson doesn't take kindly to his stuffed shoulder-parrot being stolen.

87. Signing "Deuces are Wild" by Aerosmith to Faen is not appropriate. I know you have the libido of a 1000 stoned, shitfaced teenagers but no one shoulder be signing that song when they're talking about their DAUGHTER!

88. The character known as Suave from Anime Abandon is not a good resource for pickup lines/strategies. Please just stop.

89. "[EXPLETIVE} 'em all." is not a viable zombie apocalypse survival strategy. Stop stocking up on lubricant in order to enact this plan.

90. You may not convert your, admittedly extensive, collection of marital aides into, and I quote: "An army of indestructible kill-golems." This is probably the dumbest plan I've ever heard. That's what makes it so awesome.
1. No Ash. No it doesn't.

91. When casting for Disney's "Robin Hood and the Pirates of the Caribbean", Foxy is NOT to be cast in it. In any way, shape, or form.

92. "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" is not a children's movie. I shouldn't even HAVE to explain that one.

93. For the last time, it's "Uptown FUNK". With an "N".

94. "End of Evangelion" is not a children's movie. In fact, kids would probably be safer watching "Rocky Horror".

95. Starfruit now must be sliced if Ash'waren is to eat them.

96. Ash'waren is not allowed to cosplay as Princess Elinore from Ralph Bakshi's "Wizards". Hmph. Just for that, I won't fursuit for you tonight, Obsidian!
1. Oh, that was low, Ashie. That was low. And uncalled for. For the record, while he may have friends who are, Obsidian himself is not a furry. So he says...
2. GOD DAMN IT, ASHIE! *cans.wav*

97. I don't know how you did it, but PLEASE get rid of the tik'tikkis in the reactor room.

98. Unless they're on our shitlist, Ash'waren is not allowed to order tons of useless stuff and have them delivered to random people, and have them be payed for up-front.

99. Mullets have not made a comeback. Stop telling newbies that.

100. "One Night In Bangkok" is NOT innuendo.

101. Uranium is not food, nor should it be used as seasoning.

102. Ash'waren is not an armorer and the chainmail-bikini isn't a very good armor.

103. Please Ash'waren stop imitating Yellowstone, we do not need to see your "Geyser", no one does

104:There is no such thing as a XXX End of the world scenario.

105. Don't let here anywhere near SCP 668. (Or any sharp object)
1. SCP-572? Sure, let her have it. I know what you'er doing and I'm not touching that thing!

106. We know it's a thing. Just don't let her make porn of it!

107. Inform Dr.Bwoman(aka SFI) that we are not being mean to Ash'waren. It's the other way around.
1.But her daughter seems nice.
2. Wait?… Fean, why are you wearing a [REDACTED]?
3. Ariel is a sub? Dr. Gunny, stop asking those questions.

108. Stop telling Old Man Henderson were SCP-429-J is.
1. I need it for my bad back. Sure you do.

109. Sexy is not a Object Class.

110. No personnel higher than Class-D may be fed to Big Mean Carl.

111. Stop doodling on schematics. It's a pain in the ass to make heads or tails of them when you do.

112. Mr. Conagher does not appreciate you "sapping his sentries". Especially in your... unique way.

113. Please end your super-soldier breeding program. Stalin already had his, and the fact that they involved gorillas was bad enough. And while I appreciate the fact that YOU aren't doing the breeding personally, the subjects you've chosen, have, in many ways, made your project even worse. Seriously, DAWMERES!?

114. Stop encouraging Garak and Littlefinger to scheme against each other. The last time one of their gambit wars broke out, it took us three months to figure out exactly WHY half the Class-D personnel would start singing random J-Pop songs whenever someone said "artichoke".
1. On a related note, "Artichoke Desert" is not an actual video game. Jontron merely made that box cover for a joke.

115. The Fox-head medallion Mat wears is an anti-magic shield. It's not a sign that he wants you to fursuit for him. In fact, he kinda gets scared whenever you're near, thanks to a certain other noblewoman who acts similar to you...

116. Not everyone who has red eyes is tainted. I think Kaworu successfully proved THAT.
1. So did Kurenai.
2. And to a lesser extent, so did Itachi.

117. Stop giving the Internet Buttstalker random people's phone numbers.
1. Okay, it was hilarious when you gave him Chris-Chan's number. We won't undo THAT one.

118. Do not let her read this Copypasta
1. All MTF personal that were former SEALs are not impress . Not one bit.
2. The Sealions are not happy either.

119. Ultra low jeans and whale-tails went out of style 7 years ago.
120.If going to have sex at lest use a condom.

121. When hiring security guards, please, please, PLEASE use someone other than the Fabulous Custodes. We don't need half-naked muscle-men who snicker in an aroused manner all the time running around our base. Says you.

122. Director Hamilton is not a "Buzzkill McKilljoy" just because she didn't think that your dawmere-patterned panties were "the cutest things ever, of all time".

123. I know you want revenge on the Sharen. I know it'd turn quite a profit in many corners of the galaxy. And I know her libido is only slightly lesser than yours. But still, Zala'ess X 682? Jesus Christ.

124. You can go ahead and try too use your Empathy on Jim "Gunbird" Mckinght, but going to be disappointed. He worked with MTF Nu-7 ("Hammer Down") and Max Lombardi for a reason.

125. Ash is no longer allowed to "get Taco's for lunch." I don't care how much you paid those ladies, send them home, we don't want to be sued for sexual assault.

126. Ace does not give a damn about your ideas for a "Repeating [REDACTED] Cannon". We have no need for something like that.
1. No, not even the "Automatic [REDACTED] Dispenser"
2. Y'know what, Ash is no longer allow to design any weapon or gadget for the Foundation's use. Aw, but your reactions are so much fun!
3. Ash is now barred from my office. I've taken the liberty of changing the lock codes on the door.

127. Ash'waren Should not give Gunbird SCP-____-J as a gift.

128. Ash'waren is no longer allowed to challenge Loud Howard to a belching contest. (On the plus side though, it DID give us some new data on how to improve our sonic disruptors.)

129. Homsar is NOT a motivational speaker. Got that, Ashie?

130. Ash'waren is not allowed to "save the whales", genetics do NOT work that way.

131. No clones! One Ash'waren is enough!

132. Contrary to his friends opinions Mr.Cauthon didn't particularly enjoy his experiences with queen Tylin and he really does not appreciate Your "reenactments" of the events.

133. Under no circumstances is Ash'waren allowed to make a show called "Viva La Ash". Bam Margera's legal team has been notified.

134. Don't let her fool you. Ash'waren is an elven royalty, elven royalty, that means that she's not from Nigeria at all.
1. Secondly, if any facility personnel are caught falling for this scam...really?

135. Just a note to personnel, STDs does not affect elves, but Ash'waren could still be a carrier, for your own sake, please decline any "invitations" from her.

136. Ashwaren is no longer allowed to impersonate Sarv'swati in front of Quain with empathy, even if the look on her face was priceless.

137. Is no longer allow to design exoatmospheric transport vehicles.
1. No, I don't care if it will be hilarious, we will never shape our ships into [REDACTED].

138. Ash'waren and Tucker are not to approach within 200m of each other under any circumstance.

139. Is not to send parcels to the Pope (C'mon, Pope Francis is a chill guy, do do that to him)

140. Is not to be permitted to access the Reactor of any Covenant vessel. Arbiter Thel'Vadam has alerted us to your attempts to replace the coolant with lube.

141. Ash is not to organize any arm-wrestling matches between Quain'tana and The Master Chief, the last thing we need is a repeat of the Spinning Abrams Incident

142. Ash is not to goad Saitama into punching SCP-343. Seriously just no.
- Admittedly it did give us a much cheaper way of studying the Higgs Boson than the LHC.

143. Ash is no longer permitted to visit the Smithsonian.
- Placing a Rubiks Cube atop the SR-71 does not a Jetfire make.

144. Stop trying to get Sharess to sing From God's Perspective by Bo Burnham in front of the Kyorls. I can pretty well guarantee that this will not end well for anyone involved.
- Evidently Sharess can't sing worth a damn. Good rule of thumb, distract her during karaoke nights.

145. Ash is no longer allowed anwhere near the postal office, sorry Ash, but you had your chance, and you abused that chance, and the rest of us ended up on Namblas membership list.




I mostly did this for fun. The inspiration came from this (read it if you haven't, seriously, it's a good laugh.)

If anyone wants to add to this list just post your idea below and I'll add it to the mast list.
Last edited by aceofAces on Mon Dec 12, 2016 4:47 pm, edited 26 times in total.
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Re: List of things Ash'waren is not allowed to do, ever.

Postby ThatGuyThisGuy » Wed Apr 29, 2015 1:43 am

Fooken lol that was pretty good.Although i do wish you would get back to updating valor.

aceofAces wrote:I mostly did this for fun. The inspiration came from this (read it if you haven't, seriously, it's a good laugh.)

If anyone wants to add to this list just post your idea below and I'll add it to the mast list.


If i am correct then list is what started off this kind of fiction http://skippyslist.com/list/. Although you didn't claim that was the first of its kind i just wan to put that out there.

Also "Ash is no longer allowed to reenact Dwarf fortress stories especially with any gnomes."



EDIT

"Someone tell Ash she is no longer allowed to use her empathy to act out her secret shipping fantasies the incident with Zala and quain was bad enough.
Last edited by ThatGuyThisGuy on Wed Apr 29, 2015 2:44 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: List of things Ash'waren is not allowed to do, ever.

Postby aceofAces » Wed Apr 29, 2015 1:53 am

ThatGuyThisGuy wrote:If i am correct then list is what started off this kind of fiction http://skippyslist.com/list/. Although you didn't claim that was the first of its kind i just wan to put that out there.

Also "Ash is no longer allowed to reenact Dwarf fortress stories especially with any gnomes."


While that is possible that it's not the first it was at least my inspiration. That's why I linked it in the first place.

Secondly, nice one. Hope you don't mind that I made a few additions.
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Re: List of things Ash'waren is not allowed to do, ever.

Postby Obsidian Agent » Wed Apr 29, 2015 1:56 am

47. Orphanages are not "All-You-Can-Eat" buffets. Hell, they aren't even normal buffets.

48. Tiberium is not food seasoning. Stop telling the Sharen that.

49. From now on, all bananas must be sliced if Ash is to eat them.

50. On a related note, Ash'waren is now banned from using ping-pong balls.

51. Don't even THINK of mentioning Y'[REDACTED].

52. SCP-682 does not share your libido, Ashie. Don't even try anymore.

53. Yes, Dr. Soong made his androids 'fully functional'. No, you are not allowed to test that claim.

54. Ash'waren may not use milk machines.

55. "Five Nights At Freddy's" does NOT mean "Five One-Night Stands". And besides, the Internet has already over-sexed Chica enough. We don't need your help.

56. Due to the [REDACTED] Incident, which cost the lives of at least 27 Class-B Personnel, and five Class-A Personnel, including Dr. [REDACTED] and Lt. Cmdr. [REDACTED], Ash'waren has had all chocolate rights revoked.

57. Stop trying to get Constable Odo to turn you into a shape-shifter as well. We all know what you'd do with those powers.

58. While Dr. Hammers may be a 'Melting Pot of Grouchiness', please don't call him that. Especially not after [REDACTED]

59. For the love of God, STOP MAKING ADS FOR OUR WEBPAGE. Especially if they involve you modeling in them.
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Re: List of things Ash'waren is not allowed to do, ever.

Postby aceofAces » Wed Apr 29, 2015 2:02 am

Obsidian Agent wrote:47. Orphanages are not "All-You-Can-Eat" buffets. Hell, they aren't even normal buffets.

48. Tiberium is not food seasoning. Stop telling the Sharen that.

49. From now on, all bananas must be sliced if Ash is to eat them.

50. On a related note, Ash'waren is now banned from using ping-pong balls.

51. Don't even THINK of mentioning Y'[REDACTED].

52. SCP-682 does not share your libido, Ashie. Don't even try anymore.

53. Yes, Dr. Soong made his androids 'fully functional'. No, you are not allowed to test that claim.

54. Ash'waren may not use milk machines.

55. "Five Nights At Freddy's" does NOT mean "Five One-Night Stands". And besides, the Internet has already over-sexed Chica enough. We don't need your help.

56. Due to the [REDACTED] Incident, which cost the lives of at least 27 Class-B Personnel, and five Class-A Personnel, including Dr. [REDACTED] and Lt. Cmdr. [REDACTED], Ash'waren has had all chocolate rights revoked.

57. Stop trying to get Constable Odo to turn you into a shape-shifter as well. We all know what you'd do with those powers.

58. While Dr. Hammers may be a 'Melting Pot of Grouchiness', please don't call him that. Especially not after [REDACTED]

59. For the love of God, STOP MAKING ADS FOR OUR WEBPAGE. Especially if they involve you modeling in them.


OH DEAR SWEET JESUS YES
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Re: List of things Ash'waren is not allowed to do, ever.

Postby Obsidian Agent » Thu Apr 30, 2015 12:35 am

61. Naga slaves are not to be placed at the milk machines. Those are for cows only. We already had to suffer the indignity of unwittingly using YOUR breast milk in our coffee and cereal, Ashie. Don't even TRY to place the Nagas there.

62. J.G. Wentworth commercials are not real operas.

63. Our theme song is NOT "The Hamster Dance".

64. "Muscle March" is now a banned video game. Making this all the more significant is that until only a few weeks ago - when you bought your first copy of it, Ashie, is that no one else on this base HAD a copy of that game.

65. Stop dialing 1-900 numbers, and using audio splices of our voices to prank them.

66. Stop calling 1-900 numbers in general.

67. While it was funny when it happened to Ghost, you should also stop making audio splices of us to prank call the FBI.

68. From what our records tell us, there was never an ancient Sulissin holiday celebrated by twerking naked for all to see.

69. ...Get your mind out of the damn gutter.

70. Tesla coils are NOT a suitable replacement for vibrators. They just.... aren't.
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Re: List of things Ash'waren is not allowed to do, ever.

Postby aceofAces » Thu Apr 30, 2015 1:42 pm

Obsidian Agent wrote:61. Naga slaves are not to be placed at the milk machines. Those are for cows only. We already had to suffer the indignity of unwittingly using YOUR breast milk in our coffee and cereal, Ashie. Don't even TRY to place the Nagas there.

62. J.G. Wentworth commercials are not real operas.

63. Our theme song is NOT "The Hamster Dance".

64. "Muscle March" is now a banned video game. Making this all the more significant is that until only a few weeks ago - when you bought your first copy of it, Ashie, is that no one else on this base HAD a copy of that game.

65. Stop dialing 1-900 numbers, and using audio splices of our voices to prank them.

66. Stop calling 1-900 numbers in general.

67. While it was funny when it happened to Ghost, you should also stop making audio splices of us to prank call the FBI.

68. From what our records tell us, there was never an ancient Sulissin holiday celebrated by twerking naked for all to see.

69. ...Get your mind out of the damn gutter.

70. Tesla coils are NOT a suitable replacement for vibrators. They just.... aren't.


Made a few edits to this before posting it on the master list but god damn this gave me a sorely needed laugh.
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Re: List of things Ash'waren is not allowed to do, ever.

Postby ThatGuyThisGuy » Thu Apr 30, 2015 1:58 pm

aceofAces wrote:71. Grand Theft Auto is not a documentary for daily life in human society. Stop trying to convince the other clans of such.



Silly ash everyone knows this https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=byOw4AYd7-8 is the accurate representation of everyday human society.
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Re: List of things Ash'waren is not allowed to do, ever.

Postby Gunbird » Fri May 01, 2015 12:47 am

76.Ash'waren should never be anywhere near Gunbirds firearms collection. Body fluids are not for the barrels.
1.And don't let her use the gun lube ether.
2. And the Suppressers
77.Never let Ash'waren have sex with SCP-106.Yes, I know she prevented the "old man" from causing a cuntament breech for the longest time but..but.Just don't let her do it!
78. Stop calling Class-D's "Big D's".
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Re: List of things Ash'waren is not allowed to do, ever.

Postby Obsidian Agent » Fri May 01, 2015 9:40 pm

79. Cheerleader outfits are now banned as Halloween costumes. Director Hamilton was not impressed when you kept flashing your panties at her.

80. No using your empathy to put songs in other people's heads. I'm still trying to get "The Safety Dance" un-stuck.

81. When "Bring Your Child To Work" Day comes, under NO circumstances is Big Mean Carl to be let in the building. Do I make myself clear, Ashie?

82. Stop giving our comm filter codes to the Internet Buttstalker. When he referred to SCP-682 as "Baby Buns" it caused said SCP to have its most impressive rage ever. And the less said about how he offered to "handle Dr. Bright's toolbox", the better.

83. The Order of the Stick's "Crack Pairing" generator is NOT a guideline for real life.

84. "The Room", by Tommy Wiseau, is no longer to be shown at diplomatic functions. That is all.

85. Sharknados are not a real-life weather phenomenon. Stop trying to change that fact.

86. Don't take Rupert. Old Man Henderson doesn't take kindly to his stuffed shoulder-parrot being stolen.
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Re: List of things Ash'waren is not allowed to do, ever.

Postby aceofAces » Fri May 01, 2015 11:40 pm

Obsidian Agent wrote:79. Cheerleader outfits are now banned as Halloween costumes. Director Hamilton was not impressed when you kept flashing your panties at her.

80. No using your empathy to put songs in other people's heads. I'm still trying to get "The Safety Dance" un-stuck.

81. When "Bring Your Child To Work" Day comes, under NO circumstances is Big Mean Carl to be let in the building. Do I make myself clear, Ashie?

82. Stop giving our comm filter codes to the Internet Buttstalker. When he referred to SCP-682 as "Baby Buns" it caused said SCP to have its most impressive rage ever. And the less said about how he offered to "handle Dr. Bright's toolbox", the better.

83. The Order of the Stick's "Crack Pairing" generator is NOT a guideline for real life.

84. "The Room", by Tommy Wiseau, is no longer to be shown at diplomatic functions. That is all.

85. Sharknados are not a real-life weather phenomenon. Stop trying to change that fact.

86. Don't take Rupert. Old Man Henderson doesn't take kindly to his stuffed shoulder-parrot being stolen.
Gunbird wrote:76.Ash'waren should never be anywhere near Gunbirds firearms collection. Body fluids are not for the barrels.
1.And don't let her use the gun lube ether.
2. And the Suppressers
77.Never let Ash'waren have sex with SCP-106.Yes, I know she prevented the "old man" from causing a cuntament breech for the longest time but..but.Just don't let her do it!
78. Stop calling Class-D's "Big D's".


We are becoming prolific with this shit guys.
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Re: List of things Ash'waren is not allowed to do, ever.

Postby Obsidian Agent » Sat May 02, 2015 1:47 am

Maybe we should show this to Kern.
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Re: List of things Ash'waren is not allowed to do, ever.

Postby Gunbird » Sat May 02, 2015 4:58 am

Obsidian Agent wrote:Maybe we should show this to Kern.


I don't think he knows what SCP is? Maybe we can ask him on the stream tomorrow.
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Re: List of things Ash'waren is not allowed to do, ever.

Postby Obsidian Agent » Sat May 02, 2015 9:26 pm

And now, the characters of this little drama introduced so far! (Besides the forumites who are posting in this thread.)

Ash'waren Val'Sulissin'rune
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The trollish, horny, dark elf Il'haress of the Sulissin'rune clan, whose antics are responsible for the above list. Is kept on-base due to a need for people who can undo the effects of the various sanity-blasting horrors dealt with on a daily basis.

Faen'are Val'Sulissin'rune
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Ashie's woobie of a daughter, kept on base for the same reasons as her mother. Is much more polite, though, and doesn't commit (any known) antics. Suspected to secretly be as perverted as her mother, but this has yet to be proven.

Odo
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A shape-shifter from a distant corner of the galaxy, Odo is the gruff chief of security at [REDACTED] Base. As such, he often tires of Ash'waren's antics, although he is more than capable of dealing with them. Unlike Ariel, however, members of Odo's species can not only change their mass within certain limits, but transform into non-living objects as well - including nonsolid forms like fire or fog.

Old Man Henderson
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A schizophrenic, trigger-happy nutcase with an unusual obsession with lawn gnomes. For reasons not entirely clear, he is all but immune to the sanity-warping effects of the various items and creatures here. This, coupled with his unholy love of firearms, means he is often the "First Strike" guy. No one knows what his first name is.

SCP-682
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A nigh-indestructible reptillian creature (seen here recovering from an acid bath), kept on base as a way to contain it. It has a burning hatred for, well, just about everything, although it does seem to have a grudging respect for Henderson. As soon as we can find something that can permanently kill it, that WILL be used. However, it does have its uses. Mostly as a deterrent.

Big Mean Carl
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A being with a monstrous appetite, Big Mean Carl will eat anything. Literally. Or anyone. He doesn't even chew his food, he just swallows it whole, while going "Nyom nom nom nom!" before belching and yelling "Thank You!", as if expecting applause. Most famously (or infamously), he devoured Ash'mita in front of everyone at "Bring Your Child To Work" Day. As such, security was increased. Now, aside from food from the replimat, Carl enjoys a diet of Class-D personnel. Since these are all Death Row inmates anyway, this just serves as their execution.

The Internet Buttstalker
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A flamingly omnisexual man who calls in - thanks to Ashie giving him our comm filter codes - apparently with a crush on EVERYONE. Refers to everyone - in his effeminate voice - as "Baby Buns", and offers to "Handle their toolbox". Not even the threat of unleashing 682 on him is enough to drive off his unwanted advances. A bigger pervert than the entire Sul clan put together.

Dell Conagher
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The chief engineer at [REDACTED] Base, native to Bee Cave, Texas. Also responsible for designing our defenses. Likes guns, barbecue, and higher education. His solution to most problems (practical ones, at least, namely, ones involving enemies) is to use a gun. And if that don't work? Use more gun.

Foxy
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An animatronic pirate fox possessed by the spirit of a murdered child. Is sometimes sicced on intruders or Class-D personnel for teh lulz.

Elim Garak
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A former member of the Obsidian Order - the Cardassian Intelligence force/Secret Police - Garak now works as an intelligence agent at [REDACTED] Base, a job at which he excels. The fact that he always seems to be several steps ahead of everyone - including Ash'waren - is a plus. The downside is though, he only interferes in her plans when they would be a hindrance to him. Usually, he lets her antics fly.

Petyr "Littlefinger" Baelish
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The chief treasurer for our... organization... Littlefinger does his job with unnerving efficiency. There are those who say he wants more power in the organization, and they'd be right. Even more scary, his planning skills rival Garak's, so he may just be able to pull them off...

Matrim "Mat" Cauthon
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Our chief strategist, Mat is both blessed and cursed with supernatural good luck. Namely, the universe will not let him die until it, and it alone decides that it's time for that. He wears a fox-head medallion that shields him from magic. Despite being only in his early twenties, Mat has a key mind for strategy and tactics. This can be explained by that, when asking the Aelfinn (more on THEM at some other point, maybe) to fill the holes in his memories, they filled them with the memories of some of the best generals and admirals to have ever lived. He is also something of a casanova, yet does not appreciate being hit on himself. Namely due to a very Ashie-like human noblewoman...

Kaworu Nagisa
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A mysterious teenage boy who hangs out at [REDACTED] Base, only a select few know his true identity. He is, in actuality, Tabris, the Angel of Free Will. He may or may not have caught Ashie's eye, but Faen certainly blushes when in his presence, despite the fact that he apparently has no sex drive to speak of.

Loud Howard
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A man with no indoor voice, often found at various spots in [REDACTED] Base. Aside from his lack of vocal volume control, not much else is known about him.

Homsar
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A being of unknown origin, Homsar speaks in various non-sequiturs and word salads. Among his statements include - that he is a song from the sixties, a trendy tote-bag, was raised by a "Chipwich" ice cream sandwich, that he won the Powerball, and that he is the captain of the gravy train. Often appears seemingly out of nowhere.

More characters will be added as this list goes on...
Last edited by Obsidian Agent on Fri Aug 21, 2015 6:18 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: List of things Ash'waren is not allowed to do, ever.

Postby aceofAces » Sat May 02, 2015 9:55 pm

What the actual fuck is this turning into?
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