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Tsuris' Fanfiction thread Part Seven Up!

Re: Tsuris' Fanfiction thread [Space age fic part three is u

Postby Strossus » Tue Apr 09, 2013 12:39 am

Tsuris wrote:7 is easily my favorite and a lot of fun to write =w=


Being crazy is always fun!
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Re: Tsuris' Fanfiction thread [Space age fic part three is u

Postby Tsuris » Tue Apr 09, 2013 10:14 am

And here's Part four!
If you thought part four would be about Four- You were wrong, hah!
Back to Six again!
Four's time is coming though I promise =w=

Part IV

You’re number Six again and you’ve met up with Four not far from where you landed and the two of you are making your way towards the back of the main compound, Four just a bit ahead of you while you made your way there. You’re following protocol of course, maintaining radio silence and moving at a quick pace alongside Four to get to the objective quickly. Five would be drawing the guards off soon and it would give the two of you a chance to go in through the back, Four would blow a hole in the back wall and the two of you would make your way to the courtyard, clear it out, and give Two a chance to come in on the shuttle along with some ordnance to destroy the base.

From there you and Two would head to the data room to download the data you came for while Four remained in the courtyard with the explosives to prime them and make sure none of the factionists showed up to tamper with them. Five and Seven would show up just as you and Two were returning from the data room and then you’d all evac on the shuttle before the bomb went off.

Picture perfect, no problems.

You went over the plan in your head over and over before the mission started, just to get every detail down. You must be unnaturally deep and thought because you don’t notice Four staring at you, her visor up so you can see her face. She looks a bit concerned, “Six ya alright?” she asks.

“Uh, yeah sorry, just going over the plan again,” she laughs that hearty laugh you’re so used to hearing, “C’mon Six ya must have gone over the briefin’ at least a dozen and a half times, ya gotta ease up and just go with it, if ya suddenly have to change the game plan yer not goin’ tah be able to do much beyond just scramblin’ to get the old plan to work, go with the flow for once, yeah?” She grins wide at you, “’Sides, its way more fun when ya have tah improvise!”

You frown under your helmet, thankful that Four can’t see it. Honestly sometimes it seems like you’re the only one on the team who has any respect for protocol! Improvisation on a mission was useful sure, but just deviating from an already established plan was just asking for trouble in your opinion. “Yeah, sure Four,” you say. You may be a soldier and pulling the trigger at an enemy comes naturally to you, but being confrontational in social situations has never really been your strong suit.

In fact you’re sort of a doormat for your other squad members, and you’re painfully aware of it. Most of the rest of the squad has an implant of some kind and the side effects of those worry you. Five could go off at a hair trigger and could crush your head like a gourd if she got pissed off at you, Seven is insane and from what you hear he was like that before the implant and it just made him worse and the fact that you have standing orders to put a mana bolt in his brain if he loses his mind and starts trying to kill you is reason enough to be cautious around him.

Honestly you and Four are pretty much the only normal ones on the deployment right now. Well actually that’s not true, Two doesn’t have an implant either but let’s face it, she’s sort of a bitch.

“Hey, dun worry about it Six, we’ll be fine, yeah?” She gives you a clap in the back, “C’mon I bet Seven’ll have the scrambler down in no ti-” She’s cut off as her communicator beeps, “Woops, hang on, that’s him now.”

You wait a moment as Four talks with Seven, and you swear it sounds almost like she’s talking to a child with the tone of voice she’s using. “Is he having problems?” you ask, and from the half of the conversation you heard it sounded like he was. Four sighs and shakes her head, “Naw, he just got turned around, intelligence seems to have messed up again, but he’s makin’ his way to the radio room now, shouldn’t be long.”

“And that thing about ‘Subtraction fun’?” you ask, tilting your head at the demolition’s expert. She just laughs, “Ah, yeah well he’s tryin’ tah get it so that the number of people guardin’ the base is back to the number that intelligence said it would be, it’s uh, buggin’ him I guess.” You just stare at Four for a moment, “How the hell can you talk to him like that anyway?” you ask before you can stop yourself.

She tilts her head at you, “Whadya mean?”

Shit.

Now you have to make it awkward and talk about how weird you think it is for her to be so casual about talking to Seven considering… well Seven. “I… it’s just… Seven is-” She cuts you off with a chuckle “Totally fuckin’ insane?” she asks, “Yes! I mean- Godesses Four you talk to him like he’s family or something, we’ve all got orders to kill him if he goes off the deep end, don’t you think you’re getting too attached?”

She shrugs, “Yeah well, way I see it: Seven’s a huge asset to the team, yeah? He’s sorta out there but he’s still a brother in arms. Least I can do is make sure he stays as far away from the deep end as I can, dontchya think?”

You’re about to say something but you pause, you’d never looked at it like that before. You’d mostly seen seven as a ticking time bomb, you still sort of do, but Four’s perspective on this was something to consider at least. “He still sort of creeps me out, though. He always just stares at me and never says anything….” She slugs you in the arm, “OW! Dammit, what was that for?!”

“Dumbass! He’s always quiet around ya because he knows yer afraid of him! He’s got an EM pathway implant, he can fuckin’ -sense- how yer feeling! He’s too worried he’ll scare ya off or somethin’ so he doesn’t say anythin’ to ya!”

“I- what?” Four let’s out an exasperated sigh, pinching the bridge of her nose, “Seven’s more like a kid then he is a proper solider, Six. He wants tah be yer friend but I don’t think he really is sure how to go about doin’ it.”

“He wants to- be my –friend-?” you ask, hardly believing what you’re hearing. “Yeah – I mean maybe- well I mean, Six he –knows- about the standin’ order to put him down if he loses it, and he knows yer nervous about that, he’s very much aware ya’ve got your finger over the trigger when he’s around ‘cause yer worried he’ll go off!”

Oh.

Well this explains why he always seems like he’s so tense around you.

He’s probably as nervous around you as you are around him.

“Look, let’s just get tah the compound, I can hear Five’s music so that means she’s already started, gods it’s fuckin’ Mo’zart, doesn’t she play anythin’ worth listenin’ to?”

“Long range coms are up too, looks like Seven got the scramblers off,” you say, noticing a green light ping on your HUD indicating that that objective had been completed. Now that you will be able to contact Two, it’s time for you and Four to get to work.

The two of you double time it to the back of the compound, not spending any more time talking, Four’s visor sliding back into place as you move. You come to the large wall first, the sentries have moved around to the front to try and deal with Five, leaving you and Four an easy time getting over.

It’s about a fifteen foot high wall, not too bad. Five readies her ascension grapple and shoots it up, the auto hook clamps down to the top of the wall and she climbs up, you follow after her. You repeat the process in reverse on the way down. You pull your riles off your chest and check around. No one’s around for now. You and Four communicate with hand signals for now, while your helmets could muffle noise to an extent it was safer to stay silent.

*Area’s clear. Moving up* you sign to her. She nods her understanding and follows after you, her (illegally) heavily modified pistol at the ready. The two of you make your way towards the back of the main building, none of the guards are around the main part of the compound, Five is doing an incredibly thorough job. You move up against the wall, Four’s got her holographic data slate out and is looking it over. “Alright accordin’ to the plans through this wall is the fastest way to the main courtyard in the center of the buildin’,” She takes out several spider shaped golems, setting them along the wall, they move and make a half oval shape from the base of the wall, about six feet high. They start glowing and a purple trail links each one, reading the breach charge.

The two of you move to either side of the spiders, your rifle is ready and Four holds the detonator, you nod and you hear her laugh under her helmet. She’s incredibly excited. She hits the detonator and the wall blows in and the two of you wait a half second before the two of you head in.
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Re: Tsuris' Fanfiction thread [Space age fic part four is up

Postby Strossus » Wed Apr 10, 2013 12:10 am

I don't see what is wrong with enjoying classical music. :0
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Re: Tsuris' Fanfiction thread [Space age fic part four is up

Postby Catriana » Thu Apr 11, 2013 3:13 am

I like it so far. It's witty and humorous. Pretty much you in a nutshell.

Some things I've noticed: You slip up sometimes and switch tenses. It's really not by a lot though, but it is something to be mindful of. I had the most terrible time with it (and still do). I also notice that you could do a little more showing, which really makes the characters pop.

For example, when you say "You sound nervous", instead you could say "your voice quivers(or shakes, whatever) as you stammer out a few words". The reader now knows the character is nervous without you having to tell them. You have now given the reader a visual, which makes for well-rounded writing. This is what people mean when they say 'show, don't tell'. It's probably the biggest hurdle writers have to overcome. I know I'm still pretty bad with it.

You do well with describing settings, although a bit more description wouldn't hurt. Just a few things here or there, you don't have to go all out and describe every snowflake or every piece of furniture in a room. A general idea of the area works, and as the characters move around, throw in some setting details occasionally to remind them. You can even give a narrow view of a room, and as the character moves expand on their field of vision. That's pretty nifty too.

But these are just suggestions. Everyone has their own writing style and different things work for different people. If nothing else, play around with it and see what you like/don't like. :D
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Re: Tsuris' Fanfiction thread [Space age fic part four is up

Postby Tsuris » Thu Apr 11, 2013 3:22 am

Catriana wrote:I like it so far. It's witty and humorous. Pretty much you in a nutshell.

Thanks! Glad you like it :)

Catriana wrote:Some things I've noticed: You slip up sometimes and switch tenses. It's really not by a lot though, but it is something to be mindful of. I had the most terrible time with it (and still do). I also notice that you could do a little more showing, which really makes the characters pop.

For example, when you say "You sound nervous", instead you could say "your voice quivers(or shakes, whatever) as you stammer out a few words". The reader now knows the character is nervous without you having to tell them. You have now given the reader a visual, which makes for well-rounded writing. This is what people mean when they say 'show, don't tell'. It's probably the biggest hurdle writers have to overcome. I know I'm still pretty bad with it.


Yeah the tenses are something I need to work on, it's a new style for me but I slip up sometimes (don't have anyone to beta read it before I put it up either so It's just me doing the editing)
And yeah, I'm a big fan of showing not telling, been trying to avoid the telling but I need to work on the showing bit some more, will be keeping that in mind for the next chapter

Catriana wrote:You do well with describing settings, although a bit more description wouldn't hurt. Just a few things here or there, you don't have to go all out and describe every snowflake or every piece of furniture in a room. A general idea of the area works, and as the characters move around, throw in some setting details occasionally to remind them. You can even give a narrow view of a room, and as the character moves expand on their field of vision. That's pretty nifty too.


I generally have a hard time with describing environments around the characters, I have the idea of where they are in my head but ask me to show it in words and I'll draw a blank pretty much consistently, another of the things I'm trying to work on :)

Catriana wrote:But these are just suggestions. Everyone has their own writing style and different things work for different people. If nothing else, play around with it and see what you like/don't like. :D

Your advice was very good! Thanks a lot for the constructive critiquing and the advice, it's always great to have and helpful! *bigsmile*
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Re: Tsuris' Fanfiction thread [Space age fic part four is up

Postby Catriana » Thu Apr 11, 2013 4:22 pm

I also have a hard time visualizing settings. I find locating pictures and using that as a visual to be outstanding help (I pretty much exclusively use this now). Usually, I google them, but deviantArt isn't a bad place to go to, either. I minimize my word processor and the image enough so I can look at it while typing.

Oh! Also I'm not sure if you've ever heard of this program, but it's called Scrivener. Many writers are swearing by it. I don't use it myself, but I've been wanting to.
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Re: Tsuris' Fanfiction thread [Space age fic part four is up

Postby Strossus » Thu Apr 11, 2013 11:57 pm

When I visualize I process the mental image much the same way as ones eyes coming into focus after a night out drinking.
At first everything is black, then a small spike of light slowly turns into a blurry image and gradually details sharpen into a painful headache.
Or wait.. that might just be reading internet forums..
*ponders*
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Re: Tsuris' Fanfiction thread [Space age fic part four is up

Postby Catriana » Fri Apr 12, 2013 12:41 am

Strossus wrote:When I visualize I process the mental image much the same way as ones eyes coming into focus after a night out drinking.
At first everything is black, then a small spike of light slowly turns into a blurry image and gradually details sharpen into a painful headache.
Or wait.. that might just be reading internet forums..
*ponders*


It could be worse.

You could be reading Nietzsche.

*goes back to English homework*
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Re: Tsuris' Fanfiction thread [Space age fic part four is up

Postby Strossus » Fri Apr 12, 2013 2:16 am

Catriana wrote:
Strossus wrote:When I visualize I process the mental image much the same way as ones eyes coming into focus after a night out drinking.
At first everything is black, then a small spike of light slowly turns into a blurry image and gradually details sharpen into a painful headache.
Or wait.. that might just be reading internet forums..
*ponders*


It could be worse.

You could be reading Nietzsche.

*goes back to English homework*

Should I be reading Nietzsche?
I mean I am pretty open minded..
(By open minded I don't mean to imply the doors are open but rather that there isn't even a house to begin with.)
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Re: Tsuris' Fanfiction thread [Space age fic part four is up

Postby Catriana » Fri Apr 12, 2013 2:38 am

Strossus wrote:
Catriana wrote:
Strossus wrote:When I visualize I process the mental image much the same way as ones eyes coming into focus after a night out drinking.
At first everything is black, then a small spike of light slowly turns into a blurry image and gradually details sharpen into a painful headache.
Or wait.. that might just be reading internet forums..
*ponders*


It could be worse.

You could be reading Nietzsche.

*goes back to English homework*

Should I be reading Nietzsche?
I mean I am pretty open minded..
(By open minded I don't mean to imply the doors are open but rather that there isn't even a house to begin with.)


I take back everything I said about Nietzsche. He's amazing and yes you should read him. YES.
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Re: Tsuris' Fanfiction thread [Space age fic part four is up

Postby Strossus » Fri Apr 12, 2013 3:18 am

Catriana wrote:I take back everything I said about Nietzsche. He's amazing and yes you should read him. YES.

Well, read the wiki about him.
The views on politics and religion seem to be quite similar to my own from the summary the wiki offers.
It would take a great deal of research for me to properly understand, however.
I try to avoid religious and political discussion however as it generally tends to be quite annoying and frustrating attempting to have an actual discussion and not just mindless repetition of propaganda and nonsensical gibberish.
Not that there aren't enjoyable forms of such things. :<
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Re: Tsuris' Fanfiction thread [Space age fic part four is up

Postby Tsuris » Fri Apr 12, 2013 3:20 am

Can you guys maybe discuss this stuff in PMs so you're not filling the thread with your back and forth about Nietzsche? Please and thank you.
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Re: Tsuris' Fanfiction thread [Space age fic part four is up

Postby Strossus » Fri Apr 12, 2013 3:32 am

Err sorry.
>.>
<.<
I am looking forward to the next part of this fic. :/
Not rushing though.
..
*twitchs*
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Re: Tsuris' Fanfiction thread [Space age fic part four is up

Postby Tsuris » Fri Apr 12, 2013 6:01 am

Strossus wrote:Err sorry.
>.>
<.<
I am looking forward to the next part of this fic. :/
Not rushing though.
..
*twitchs*

Don't worry dude I got your fix on the way

And it's another Seven chapter so it'll be a double dose }:3
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Re: Tsuris' Fanfiction thread [Space age fic part four is up

Postby Strossus » Sat Apr 13, 2013 3:57 am

*joygasm*
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